Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not only am I autistic,

Not only am I autistic, I am catatonic, and find it difficult to move my body at all. Neck and head are so stiff that I cannot move them. I know that I am coming across as "rain man", but I feel too shitty to even care. I had to ask help to get items from the store to my truck, as I was too weak to even carry my own bags. Dry goods still are strewn across my kitchen floor. Being a cripple fucking sucks. The thought of having to be weak and dependent, not to mention so fucking sick, I'd rather cut my own veins than lie and smile to all the people who love me this way, is totally abhorrent. Some people genuinely want to help, and I appreciate it, but I would appreciate it more if I knew that my disability was a short term affair, and not potential;y lifelong. Then, there are the people who think I am mentally retarded. People still can't tell the difference between autistic and mentally retarded. I am feeling that keenly because of the recent flap over Bachman's recent statements confronting Rick Perry on government forced (!) Gardasil vaccinations. Nneedless to say, I don't believe that vaccination serves any purpose to anyone except sex workers and Merck. Furthermore, like all vaccinations, it runs the risk of causing an autistic response in the vaccinated child. It sure as hell ain't worth the risk. Anyway, Bachman was approached by a woman who told her, that the vaccination made her daughter, "mentally retarded". Poor kid, poor woman--but the real diagnosis should be autism. In the long run, it doesn't matter. A woman laughed at me, thinking I am mentally retarded. I suppose to her, I am.

Of course, I can tell when I am severely autistic. I know that I am not in reality. There is no way that I could drive on a regular basis with this condition, and any kind of social relations, even the most casual, would be almost insurmountably difficult. As for right now, it hurts too much to hold up head. I need to lay down.

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