I never know what kind of drug I am going to be on when I wake up. Today, I have spent most of the day feeling that I am on "speed". Everything is sped up, and I am hyperactive in my mind. In short, I am back to where I was in the early days of the alien interference, before the implants. I tell myself to try to work to get back to a quiet and peaceful mind in a natural way, which is how I lived the early years of my adulthood. I tell myself that I am healthy enough to try to get back into a discipline--spiritual, physical, mental, and no sooner do I resolve to do so, that I get whammied by a huge viral download. That is what happened this afternoon, and it hit me so strongly that I could not get up, or even open my eyes (because I was too autistic). Instead, I was in some kind of semi-conscious state, that felt more natural, and less frighteningly psychotic than the wipeout I experience when my system is desperately short of testosterone, but it still is not a healthy experience. As I write this, I keep rocking back and forth (too much hyper energy that I no longer am healthy enough to act out physically), and my eyes hurt from all the stimuli, but I am functioning. However, I will say it again (as I have said many times before). If I am to ever astral travel, it needs to happen with my cooperation as a free human being who knows what is happening to me, and can help direct the process. Force feeding me all kinds of drug and hormone combos won't work, because of the idiosyncratic nature of my autistic brain. I recognized the peace that I experienced a couple of days ago, when I was given lithium--before it fried my brain. That peace was a peace I attained through my own self discipline and effort as a young woman, via meditation. I have a naturally hyper and obsessive-compulsive mind, but I brought it under control before, and I could do it again, if I were just allowed to cooperate with the process, instead of being treated as a lab rat. I LIKE the meditative state of mind. I miss it. However, I also am comfortable with a hyperactive, compulsive mind--it is the impetus for a lot of my creative insights. The two are not necessarily contradictory or clashing, but it is a balancing act, and my rational, mature ego holds the balancing pole, as I walk the tightrope between peace and order, chaos and creativity. I have done it before, and I can do it again, but not in the state I am in now, when I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel upon awakening.
Sooner or later, I am going to be shut down by what I sense to be an encroaching Internet shutdown. Today, the Sorcha Faal site, revealed that it had shut down all of its archives--I lost access to a lot of good stuff there--BECAUSE I KNEW HOW TO READ AND INTERPRET IT. I am not a human computer. Oftentimes I will remember something, but I can't recall precisely what is important--then I go searching through the worldwide web--which to me is nothing but a huge library. I fear that increasing amounts of data are going to be lost to my access as 2012 unfolds--for even though, I would like to believe that the incredible roller coaster ride of the last two years is at an end, I think the high drama of the "occult" (hidden) cosmos is still looking to steamroll over planet Earth into a new stone age. I can get around the restricted Sorcha Faal files, but if data blocks keep disappearing, I am going to become increasingly handicapped in my ability to understand and interpret "the signs of the times".