212 pounds!

212 pounds! That is what I weighted myself on the medical scale. Actually towo sperarate ones--one had me at 211 , and the other at 213. That is tied ath the highest weight I have ever weighed. How depressing and enraging is that? Words fail. I have gained over 50 pounds thanks to the nitwit nimrod torturers who have also caused permanent brain damage with their psychotropic poison--esp. lithium and risperdol. I work, I sweat, I agonize, to lose 1 pound a month, and from a high of 212, I had gotten down to 207-208 at which I stabilized for 3 or 4 months. Then(because I was on some kind of drug that I needed to be on), I started losing again. Not having access to a scale, I can on;y guesstimate, but the way my clothes were hanging, I guess I was down to 202-205 pounds, top. Then the goddamned lithium started up again for two weeks and now I'm so fat, I'm miserable and can't fit into clothes. I knew things were going to take a bad turn when I saw, what I rcognize to be a "Christian, Opus Dei variety" observing me at the gym. I force myself, I push myself to work out. I am NOT healthy. I am NOT fit. I am a wreck who keeps forcing myself to try to work out so that I don't become a fat, moribund slug. Every day I deal with pain and severe muscle spasms, when I work out, a simple thirty minute workout leaves me exhausted with muscle trembling, barely able to walk, but instead of being able to gett healthier, and sstronger, I have opus dei dumbasses evaluating me, trying to see when I can withstand another 2 or 3 weeks of torture. Fuck them. Fuck you. And fuck you have done to my body and brain. You can't do it to my spirit, however, which remains indomitably aligned with God and Christ, and therefore has nothing in common with the perverted brand of spiritual brainwashing that you blaspheme to call Christian.
No need to get upset Tita. You hurt. You are in pain. You are depressed over the nearly 10 pounds of weight gain during ther last three weeks (not to mention the utter loss of life and wasted time). But you have got to go shopping, and already I dread it. I know the fuckers weill be drugging me up in the stores, making me so autistic that I have to close my eyes (they did it yesterday at Walmart, making it impossible for me to finish my list). It's kinda hard to shop that way--drugged to the point that the eyes have to close because they are overwhelmed by stimule,), and especially for someone like me--who hates shopping anyway, and find it emotionally draining. But nothing for it. Have to do it. Already I dread my day. Alaready my back is killing it with muscle spasm. I pray i can get everything done today.