Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Somewhat recovered

Somewhat recovered from the horible, soul-debilitating, wish-I-were-dead psychotropics that left me barely able to move. Now, I just have the "speed" thing going on. It is as though little demons are nipping at my heels, driving me, driving me. But speed doesn't make me productive or give me concentration, like it does most people. Instead, it steals my physical vitality, and causes me to be distracted, and unable to stay on task or concentrate. Last night, I felt emotionally settled enough to play music (I rarely play music anymore because nearly always I literally feel too sick to play music), but I couldn't. Psychologically, I was disrupted by the "speed-like" effects of the psychotropic implants which were driving me crazy and leaving my body super stiff. I was playing Christmas music, which is really easy to play because of their familiarity, but I couldn't play. Playing music requires intense concentration, getting into a "zone". I call it contemplation--it is a state where I am very quite and centered, and I need to be in a contemplative zone to play music, to pray, to write--in short to do anything creative and focused. But I coldn't get my mind to shut up--so I couldn't enter the "zone" and focus on attentuating the basic simple chording with extra notes. I also couldn't keep an inner sense of flow to maintain timing, so that I was playing even familiar song I know with choppy, disrupted timing. Now, I am very comfortable with a bi-level chattering mind--it is my source of creativity. But for the last four or five years, I have lost my ability to get into the contemplative zone--and that is the most is what I am most bitter and resentful of--because this is a direct consequence of the implants, and nobody, absolutely nobody can tell me, this is a result of "ascension" or "DNA upgrade" or moving into a higher spiritual dimension. I have been in, and am quite familiar wth higher spiritual dimension, and the contemplative spirit is absolutely essential to it, not precluded by some weird, speeded up drug state.
A little while, earlier, I listened to a song that always takes me back to 6th grade. My 6th grade art teacher used to encourage everybody to bring records to share during the weekly hour long class. While we worked on our art, she deejayed. I was no good at art whotsoever, but I always loved that class because I enjoyed the music, and the randomness of the selection. There was a melancholic pop song that got a lot of play, "Seasons in the Sun" and it always appealed to my childhood melancholic sense of of life. It is not a well known song, so on the rare occasions when I hear it on the radio, I am transported in memory back to that emotional state I experienced as a 12 year old, but not today. For a "contemplative zone" is very related to "memory" and the "emotional zone" (the more sublime and positive emotions--I am always amazed at how angry I am when I have thiese speed demons nipping at my heels, making me want to throw plates at the wall). I can't even get into a positive emotional zone. As I sit here, I can feel the crawling in my legs, making me want to get up and move. Might as well--I'm ot capable of fanything else, requiring concentration, when I got the psychotropic speed download going on.

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