9.12.10—God help me. Only hope is in God. Focking Aryans have further wrecked and botched my beautiful God-given body. I’m not sure what they did, but they have completely messed up my nerves in my sacrum and belly, and further removed whatever testicular tissue I had left, leaving me an energy-less shell of a human being—a eunuch. I cannot bear my own body. I touch it, and I don’t even recognize it. Gone is the taut muscle tone, leaving nothing but soft slug-fat. I’ve never ever fancied women who have soft, flaccid bodies. Now, I am a eunuch with a soft flaccid body. I am not a woman, nor will I ever be. My gender identity has gone from having a truly great secret of which I was proud to being a big, fat, demonstrative lie which I hate and am ashamed.

They have done something to my urinary tract so that on the toilet, I am peeing all over myself like a rolled over dog pleading submission, and I am constantly damp and wet in my panties for I have developed an incontinence and am continually leaking. And then there is the horrible, gagging smell—the smell of my own urine has become so bad that I cant stand it. I can’t stand the smell of my own body. I don’t know what I smell like, but its not me. I guess I should be grateful I can pee, for I can’t XXXX. Bowel movements have become endurance challenges, as I struggle to get the muscle tone to move. I’ve gone from a normal 2 bowel movements in the morning to 4 or 5 tiny spurts a day, and all the time feeling like I’m constipated.

I went to the hospital to try to get relief from the pain, and saw one of the goddamned Aryan pieces of schit that is responsible for my torment. More on that later. Understanding the Aryan is like understanding Satan—they are one of humanity’s (and certainly mine) greatest enemies, and they deserve a full treatment which I am too focked up to give right now, but believe me you soulless, asshole Aryan, I got your image fixed in my mind, and I will write on it. Apart from seeing one of the goddamned Aryans (always good to see the enemy—gives you an image to focus on, when you pray to God to deliver vengeance), it was a wasted trip. I am in back pain, as I have never been in before, and I am afraid that I am going to suffer from severe, incurable back pain for the rest of my life.

Mentally and emotionally, I am in a very bad place. I can barely walk, and have zero energy. I am certain at this point that I am sick and tired of pretending to be a woman that I am not. I know that I cannot have a gender change operation at this point, because of my finances, but I am convinced that as soon as possible, I will proceed with massive testosterone injections, and see what kind of gender change I can go thru. I always said that being a 5”0” tall male was ridiculous, but living in this soft, flaccid body as a 5’0” eunuch is worse..

September 13,2010—Energy level is slowly coming back, meaning that I can do something more than sit and cry. Pain though, is never ending. Worst of all, I can not even sit—and I have to sit to type and surf, so you can imagine my misery. I see no relief from this never ending pain. They have really messed up my body. Haave become severely autistic again. Walk around with eyes half shut because I cant stand stimuli. But the worst of it is the pain. Pain overrides all other thought. In severe pain in lower back. Nausea and severe hot flashes. Breaking out in terrible sweats--hate my bodily reality. hate it. sick as i can be.
Dreamed last nite that I could break a code of numbers, fibonnaci numbers, I think, in my dreeam. It was a ten digit code. I don’t know how I could break a matematical code. I have never excelled at math, even though I am good with numbers and arithmatic. But in my dream I was confident I could break it. Got so much I want to write and research, but this pain and autistic migraine is totally draining all my energy,.