hanging in there, not very well

Sept 14—excruciating agony. Woke up with both arms numb and semiparalyzed. Don’t know if it is because back neck are so wracked with pain. All I know is that I am in excruciating pain. Took another vicodin tho I know they are tainted with heavy metal. Have to. Cant stand the pain. Very worried , know that at this point im not capable of taking care of myself. Very hard to shower , dress, havent cooked a meal in days. I am hungry. Last meal I ate was a slice of pizza bout four oclock. But don’t have lunch meat and too sick to cook. House is a mess. Entire back locking up on me. Cant walk at all. Have mri scheduled for thenty third==not able to bend head to use number keys. Nine days awayl. Don’t think I can survive that long.
Previous entry was written at about 3 in the morning. I woke up, no doubt after another abduction. The aryans are getting more clever about their nightly injections of viruses into my brain. I feel so bad all the time anymore that I haven’t been doing my morning check. But I got my hair cut today, and the stylist noticed how hot my head was near the forehead, but nowhere else. Sure enough, I checked carefully and felt the telltale bump on the left anterior side, about three inches from my forehead hairline and very close to the corpus callusom (Im too damn to look it up) midline of the brain. I also had another fresh bump—a rather large one, about silver dollar sized, on the right rear side of my brain—again close to the corpus callusom midline at about the 4o’clock position. Normally, I would take pride in pulling out my anatomy book, and identifying the precise names and locations, but I am so sick right now that I am on auto pilot. I just am doing what I absolutely have to do. I did get my trash out, ate a decent supper of salad and pork chop, ogt my hair cut, and did two hours of web surfing. For me, this is a good day. The only continuing downside is the lower tailbone back pain. I cant sit. I cant stand. Even laying down it hurts.. I’ve got Vicodin but it is tainted with heavy metals, and sends me screaming in pain. My God, am I going to have suffer this kind of pain the rest of my life?

Sept 16—So full of rage—want to scream, curse, throw things, slash arms.. I hate my body. I hate my existence. So focking depressing to look at or feel my body. It is turning to pure fat. Losing all my muscle. It has been so long since I have been able to do any exercise at all. Dont know if exercise can ever make my body healthy and toned again.. not able to even try.