Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Struggling

Struggling to get up with any initiative. Go go bed feeling like shit. wake up feeling worse. So many little things need to be done but i have no energy or initiative. can't get down to get my winter clothes and space heater up. need to take documentation to dol but have no energy to either walk or even ride my bike downtown. need to make a photocopy but that requires loading the printer driver, and i have no energy or inititve fo find the printer driver and load it. Just feel like a big fat depressed slug, who just wants to cry, lay in bed, eat sugar to try to feel some energy and watch tv. amazing how when i ffeel healthy (which i did for several days, i have absolutely zero interest in tv--i was getting ready to cancel the whole thing), but as soon as Im enervated by psychotropic drugs all i want to do is spend the entire day watching b grade movies. normally they bore me stiff, but when the body and mind is not capable of any self-inititative, its the only thing to do, and amazingly im not bored--im hooked. I look at my face, and see my dead eyes, and downturned mouth, and remember the smiling, joyful, love-life person i once was. too damned sick and depressed to care. cant shake--there is no energy in body to direct and channel. Struggling, struggling, too, to get the mind to work, to make connections, to remember even simple things--mind just runs into a wall. Itls clear as it can be that not only do i suffer from permanent brain damage, but also that this psyhcotropic shit so handicaps my mind that my iq and memory is effectively halved. One final point-- when im on this shit, i dont remember my dreams, unlike normally when i have very narrative and strong, vivid dreams. All the better for the ptb to rape me in my dreams, and not remember a bit of it, or at least notremember enough of it, to interpret it. what a fucked up miserable existence.

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