Thursday, October 8, 2009

A nite of screams and tears

A nite of screams and tears as violent pain once agrain wracked my body--especially my whole left side of lower bag, buttock, hip and thigh. The nerve pain is just unbelievable. I can see the necrotized, absent (dented) tissue in my thighs where the implants are literally destroying my body, and sending the shooting pain to nerves in my thighs.
I woke up with the head a lil clearer, as if the psychotropic drugs I have been forcefed the last three days are gone. Unfortunately the goddamned mothefuckers so traumatized my brain and body so badly that I still am severely dysfunctional. Once again, I am suffering from severe vertigo--I'm not talking mild dizziness--I'm talking a feeling of imbalance and violent dizziness so severe that I have to walk holding onto something for balance, and fear passing out or collapsing in a heap whenever the vertigo hits--which it does every time I move, even if just a slight turn, my head. I am not seeing out of my right eye, and my entire head, but especially the right side is tender to the touch. My brain is not right--jphysically/spatially speaking--it feels like it is pressing against the top of my skull and down on my neck. Even though it is extremely heavy, I feel giddily lightheaded, especially when I walk, as if I am down with a high, high fever (which has only happenedd a couple of times in my life, but I recognize it). I am hoping that my brain is swollen, and that as the swelling recedes so will the vertigo and my tenuous ability to function in reality. Otherwise, what has happened is the severe head pain and trauma has once more caused my inner ear "rocks" to roll out of place, and there is no treatment for that but physical therapy. This happened once before when I had a severe migraine, but I had insurance then, and access to a good physical therapist who healed it. My body is so wracked and traumatized by migraines and head pain on such a regular, nearly daily basis, that I quit crying over it a long time ago. Like an animal, I just suffer mutely, in neverending pain at the hands of my torturers. Now the severe head trauma may have rolled my rocks again, but the mds I see are next to worthless, and I can't go to the ER because of fear of being forced again into the hell that is a psychiatric hospital. It is better to be in hell in my home, than in a hospital with a bunch of really ill people, and stupidass doctors who only have access to the factual info they memorized and no commonsense or depth of awareness of the human personality and reality whatsoever. So I am going to have to try to live with this new level of suffering. I have to try to drive today--just a little bit--to see if it is possible for me to drive all the way to Corrales tomorrow to see Dale. Just take it slow, Tita, take everything very slowly.
Addendum--after taking a shower for the first time in threee days and getting into a pair of shorts, it is clear that the goddamned fuckers have once again caused me to gain weight. my guess is about three or maybe four pounds. i have no access to a scale but i can tell by the way my clothes DON'T fit me, that once again the pieces of shit have put on fat on my body--fat that I will never get rid of, fat that makes it impossible for me to wear clothes that already are at the limit of rack and wear, fat that drives me to despair because i know no matter how i try i cant lose it. One thing is clear from this last interlude--there is absolutely no point in trying to maintain my body--every effort on my part is met by a redoubling of the drugs and pain. I'm better off just being a slug watching tv, and hoping that one of these days these stupidass motherfuckin g pieces of shit sends my tortured body into a stroke or coma from which i never recover. Better to be Beatrix, and being raped, while I am unconscious, than to be conscious as I am, and to endure this neverending nitemaring of psychic rape and aware bodily torture.

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