i envy beatrix

i envy beatrix--at least she was unconscious for her four years of hell. i have to feel it--nobody could feel as bad as i do. severe nerve pain, muscular weakness, inability to keep eyes open. beelly cold, i would suspect risperdol exept i smell overwhelming ammonia, nitrogen in my urine, so bad i had to even pee. more than anything elese i just want to be fucking dead so this ficking suffering is sover no revenge, just eascape from this fucking hell that is my life. on top of all that i am sfussuffering from severe heat flashes--in october. so overheated ic ant stnad my own body sick of htis shit god, please please end it all. my life is not worth living.