200 pounds

200 pounds--a gain of three pounds in a week.  I know now that I am on lithium again, for it is lithium that causes out of control weight gain, as I conscientiously skimp on food, but nevertheless watch my body spread and spread like a monster.  I cannot even stand to look myself in the mirror.  It is like I am a prisoner of chemically poisoned flesh, and it seems like another lifetime when I was happy and joyful, and fully aware of,  responsive to, and engaged with reality.   The chemicals (and maybe even the implants) have severed my ability to connect with my "silver cord" and my spirituality suffers (but they can't destroy my faith--that resides in my free will, beyond their reach, though they can attempt to derange my free will through massive suffering and torture--and yes, fella's, you have been damned thorough, but you will not succeed. 

I imagine that lithium is involved in the mood swings, the panicked feeling of needing to escape my skin, and most of all the low energy that makes everything so hard, and leaves me feeling that I just want to sleep.  My house is a mess, and I hate to leave for a few days when I know it is going to be on parade for who knows who, but the truth is, I am too damned low energy to clean. I am too low energy to care.  Oh God, I am so sick of this doped up, drugged lack of reality.