Think I know why I felt subhuman all morning

Think I know why I felt subhuman all morning--I believe that I was abducted again last nite. I am not positive, but I am feeling a small raised scab at the base of my skull that I have felt before when I was abducted. With the heat of the summer (though thankfully, it has finally cooled off), and my nervous, hair-ruffling mannerisms, I think I would have felt it before, if the puncture had occurred before last nite. God knows I felt badly enough to have some heavy duty abduction abuse going on. Words cannot describe how dead I felt when I woke up this morning. When I feel that badly, I watch tv, but even tv could not get me out of an emotionally/spiritually dead place. I felt absolutely nothing as I flipped through channels. I felt as though my mind was in a blasted, psychotic, utterly alienated dead zone, and I truly prefer death to such a state. I finally got out of the state--relatively quickly. I decided to try the same "medicine" that worked before when I was fried on lithium--heavy doses of alcohol. When I was fried on lithium, I remember sitting down with my then roommate to watch "The L Word," a drama about lesbians in southern California. As a lesbian I don't get very many opportunites to see shows about lesbians, so of course I eagerly identified and empathized with the characters, even though I am not a "cosmopolitan" type lesbian at all. I had seen the show a few times and enjoyed it, until the one night I was so fried on lithium that I wasn't in reality. Still the show was on, and I dutifully sat on the couch to watch it. To my surprise, I was so fucked up, that the show made absolutely no sense to me. I could hear the words as discrete units being spoken, and I could see the images but I had no idea of what was really going on--the thread of the plot and dialogue. Then, I started drinking whiskey, HEAVILY, and the strangest thing happened. All of a sudden the show started making sense, and I became emotionally interested, understanding of, and invested in what was happening. Now that was really odd, because normally, when I am healthy, heavy drinking cocoons and disconnects me from reality. Normally, if I began heavy drinking, I would lose interest in the program and nod off, but with the lithium frying my brain, the alcohol actually helped tune me into, rather than out of reality, which my poisoned brain could not do on its own. Very strange, but experience since then has taught me that there is no denying it. So around noontime, I went to eat breakfast, but I decided to try a little medicine, and took three stiff shots of vodka on an empty stomach before taking food. I don't even like vodka; I buy and drink it as medicine to help me sleep or knock me out when I feel like shit. The medicine worked this time for sure. Almost immediately I could sense the difference. The emotional deadness lifted, and I started to respond to the story on the TV. I remember I was watching an old Humphrey Bogart movie, and before he lost consciousness, he kept seeing Lauren Bacall in his imagination telling him over and over again, "you're allright Vincent, you're allright", and I felt that transposed in my own head, "You're allright Medeita, you're allright." I didn't feel allright. I truly felt abysmally suicidal--a hopelessness and despair so heavy that I didn't think I was going to ever feel better. But all I needed was some heavy liquor, and a beautiful woman with a smoky voice telling me that I was going to be allright. Of course I wish I could be more like Vince--change my identity and escape to a foreign land, but when you feel as bad as I felt this morning, small victories are big ones. I'm still not well at all. I have to edit my writing because I am making serious grammar errors that normally I would not make. I'm still very sick, though I can get up and move about. I am too sick to read or to work through my thoughts in writing. I wanted to find some old X-files video tapes because there are some memories from that show going through my head, but when I watched the X-files years ago, it was for enjoyment, not research, and unfortunately, I taped over all my taped shows. Anyway, just documentint the PIB's latest violation and abuse--thinking on some things but I am still too sick to begin to make sense of it all.

....later....I am not positive but I am thinking that maybe I felt so bad because the accelerated metabolism that the heavy virus downloads cause results in glutamate excitoxicity. Because I am naturally autistic, I have a much lower threshold for that excitoxicity than the PIB's allow and account for. From what I understand alcohol inhibits the glutamate (from inhibiting) which is why I feel better....just thinking. Bad news--glutamate excitoxicity causes brain neurons to die off by the thousands. My poor brain. Not what it used to be...