Still toxic

I have to get out of the house to write.  Home is still a toxic place, thouth I cannot tell if that is because the old drugs are still lingering or if I am just being zapped with a lower dosage now.  Zapped I am, and it continues to cause headaches, though at least these are bearable.  I just don't know how long I can endure living in a state of constant headaches. Some good news though--I was able to work out today.  I had to be very not to overextend myself.  The pain was always hovering in the back of my head, ready to begin pulsating again at the slightest slip up into serious exertion.  I envied all the energetic, enthusiastic people working out around me.  I wanted to proclaim, "that is who I really am too--not this painfully paced, doddering invalid who moves and exercises like she shoul be in the Silver Sneakers program."  But I am grateful that I could work out at all.  I also am pleased that the severe arthiritis I had begun experiencing in my hands is all but gone.  The pain had started when I was drugged with Serontonin, and while I know that I have arthritis , it moves to a whole other level when I feel that I have arthritis.  I had spent a day playing the dulcimer trying to to work out the pain, and had hoped to spend more time playing music, but the drugs made me too sick to concentrate on anything.   Anyway, my hands are almost back to normal.  This is not the first time that involuntary doping has caused arthritis to flare.  Other drugs that I have been force fed has caused it too.

So what is it with all these drugs having such a toxic effect on me.  Partly I think it is an innate psychosomatic sensitivity.  Drugs, even illicit ones,  have always had an exaggerated impact on me.  I also seem to have an unpredictable contrary response to a lot of drugs.  Speed totally shuts me down, and the only time I ever snorted cocaine, I was dramatically and instantaneously depressed.  But I think there is something more going on now.  I think (since my back injury an cortisone treatment) that my cells aren't regulating neurotransmitter transport correctly.  I keep thinking back to that (seemingly prophetic--to me) dream that I had in which I was told that I didn't need thyroid medication.  I needed Calcium Magnesium Citrate (of which I knew nothing).  I don't take CaMg Citrate for the simple reason that every time I drop 20 bucks on a bottle, it ends up adulterated with some substance that some moron believes will make me think that I am crazy, when all that happens is that I get ill and/or angry.  But what little I know of calcium is that it is essential for cell regulation and transport. 

I am pretty sure that my cells are not transporting correctly.  I say this because of what happens with my cerebral spinal fluid.  I can literally feel it "stuck" in my spine, and then all of a sudden, it "unsticks" and a massive flow will start moving up my spine.  It is not a smooth, continuous flow, but it goes in spasmodic jerks, starts and stops that I don' think are normal.  Certainly when there is a huge rush all at once going up my spine, whereas an instant before there was nothing, it doesn't feel normal.  So even though I am an untrained layperson, I wonder if the cellular mechanism for transport and flow is not gating properly. And if it is not gating properly in my spine, and in my left side of my body (where I have so much fluid retention), maybe it is not gating properly in my brain. Maybe my "mood" neurotransmitters aren't flowing correctly but getting stuck, trapped, and accumulating to the point to the point of toxicity. This would explain why I get arthritis, because my arthritis only flares to the point of pain when I have toxins in my body (like after a night of really heavy drinking),  It also would explain why some people insist upon diagnosing me as bipolar, even though I am absolutely certain that I am not.  If the target brain cells of the neurotransmitters aren't working properly so that they let in the chemical in jerks and fits, after a huge amount has accumulated, I'm getting a mood rush that might appear manic, whereas, while the neurotransmitters are blocked and stymied, I might seem quiescent, and even flat.  It would also explain these disturbing brain rushes that I am getting.  They are so intense they can wake me up from near sleep or make me feel like I am going to pass out.  The only thing though, is that these rushes are not just head rushes.  It is like my whole body has just had an intense electrical jolt down all the way to my toes.  I sure hope the MRI can tell what is going on, because this constant drugging is disastrous for my health.  I need to have surgery on my eye, but I will not have it until I am reassured that my brain won't be violated while I am under anesthesia.  The Holy Spirit has already snitched their plans off to me--they want to place a psychotropic implant in my brain.  This would only end in emergency brain surgery to remove it, and possibly worse, but these people have no respect for my bodily health or my rights as a person  Fortunately my guardian angels, and a few really outstanding people are looking out for me.  I know who they are but I am not in a position to thank them properly.  But still I do.  God look after me, and protect me from the evil of physicians and surgeons who do and who would violate me by drugging me against my express will.  I am not a danger to myself or others, so such an imposition is an evil and sin of the highest order.