I am feeling better

I am feeling better as I finally shake off that excess serontonin. Even the cat has noticed.  For the past two or three weeks he has stayed far away from me, spooked by me, and not even sleeping on the front porch like he was before.  Animals are great at intuiting the reality of humans.  He knew that my mind was "out to lunch," and was spooked by it.  Yesterday, he rubbed all over me, looking to be petted, a change from the last few weeks when he got up and ran off whenever I even came near.  

I slept for over 12 hours last night.  I think it was partly because I was so tired from nights of really poor sleep, and partly because my brain is still saturated with drugs.  I took 3 Tylenol PM, and 6 mg of Melantonin to help me sleep last night.  Those normally are very good at helping me sleep, but in the last few weeks taking them seemed to amplify the scary, jolting brain rushes that kept me awake.  I am so happy to announce that they did not cause any brain rushes, but they definitely left me feeling like I had a drug hangover, and I couldn't wake up this morning.  But this was a normal feeling I recognize (I did take a pretty high dosage, but that is what I have become accustomed to), and maybe it is telling me that my brain is getting back to normal.  Those brain rushes are not normal. 

So now that I am feeling better, it is time to move on to my next project--what I have been thinking about for the past several days ever since I finished reading a couple of books on extraterrestial life.  I am waiting though for the Holy Spirit to give me the go-ahead which it just hasn't done yet.  Listening to the Holy Spirit is just like relating to a Person, if on a very subtle level, and nothing can be forced, rushed, or imposed.  I am just receptive, and waiting to get the go ahead.  Certainly, writing would help me organize and clarify my thoughts, and allow me to try to work out some major questions (one burning and critical question in particular), but as my thoughts are still unsure at this stage and people misunderstand my writing anyway, I am just going to wait until I get the go ahead.  I will know when it comes.

A footnote:--I don't know when the go ahead will come, because I am still being drugged (with speed, I think), and it completely undermines my ability to center myself in a receptive manner or pray.  At least I am not so sick so that it is possible to try to get out of the house and away from the drugs (which makes me so autistic that it is scary to even drive).  I am damned tired of being drugged though.  These people have wrecked my body with their stupid drugs and their lack of respect for my person.  I know that I will never fully recover.  But I am reminded of the German woman who was held in captivity for 8 years against her will while she played a game of will with her sick captor.  She kept her spirits up and told him, "I will dance on your grave."  The last time I ever cooperated with these bastards and their plans, I went to jail, and for six months in a sheer hellhole of abuse, noise, and the utter banality of the company of drug addicts, I learned the hard lesson to never cooperate with them again.  Yes, I am going to dance on their grave.  I may not see the day, but it will happen, and I intend to do my part to bring them down.  Yes, my German captor (and you know who you are), I can't wait until I dance on your grave.