I haven't written in a long time as the serontonin that I am being pumped with (if my dreams are literally accurate) makes me really ill, and unable to concentrate. Insofar as I do write, I write by hand out in the bosque then try to transfer it to the blog. I have to say that I have been so sick with headaches and the inability to concentrate that most of the time I can not even do that. So I just lay there doing nothing, though sometimes I can do light reading. (I borrowed a bunch of sci-fi junk novels to help me in this period when I absolutely cannot concentrate). But about two weeks ago, I had some seriously prophetic dreams and I wrote the following down. It is that this is the first time I have felt well enough to type the words here. Here goes:
I've been thinking a lot lately regarding a dream that I had last week. I would have preferred to keep my thoughts to myself, rather than broadcast them, but after being doped last night, and then dreaming about it (serontonin, sticky like cough syrup being sprayed all over my brain), I have decided to try to force myself. So here it comes. A disclaimer: for those of you in Opus Dei, this is probably a six on the Index of forbidden writings probably should check with your spiritual direction first (I don't know why I bother with irony. Opus Dei members are so brainwashed they could never understand not in black and white--not even in the gospels where Jesus delights in using it as a preferred method of teaching).
In addition to the Serontonin, I think that I am being force fed some kind of female hormone (progesterone?) that is totally messing with my body. I haven't had a period in over 3 cycles now (I have been on a 21 day cycle for years). I do get PMS symptoms though, when I am expecting my flow to start--extra edema in my ankles, belly bloating, facial acne, and really weird mood swings (which normally my period does not cause). Also, I have been suffering from unusually acute hypoglycemia which causes intense protein cravings, even if I am not hungry. If I don't eat the protein, my blood sugar crashes and I get sick headaches, which is really devastating because it comes on top of the constant serontonin headache that I have. The last time I remember feeling like this was when Dr. Giudice put me on high progesterone birth control pills to try to control and regularize my heavy bleeding. I just don't know if my body will ever recover from all this doping -- the extra fat (I've gained a lot of weight again, and it is all belly fat), the loss of a lot of muscle tone, and what muscle I do have turning to flab. I try to work out, but my energy is so uncharacteristically low that I am unable to persevere. Right now, I despise what is going on with my own body. There is some comfort in knowing that it is not my fault, but the result of other's sinful imposition of will in violating my bodily personhood, but it doesn't change the end result. I just don't know how much longer I can endure this--and especially since the serontonin causes electrical jolts and brain rushes to my body that keeps me awake all night. I keep hoping that my abusers will get the message that I have been trying to send for 10 years--I am not one of you. Let me go. Yes, I am a deeply spiritual person, but the institutional perversion of Jesus' spirit and message has left me quite content to find comfort and friendship with other people of spirit who have cannot stand the patriarchal baggage and co-dependency that the churches tie to the freeing gospel of Jesus. I dreamed that this abuse would be ending soon, but since I was stupid enough to let on my knowlege, I wonder if the abuse will be extended. I have been praying to the Holy Spirit for guidance on the issue. I should know soon.
So on to my dreams...I had a dream explicitly about Pius XI. For all my erudition, I knew very little about this Pope at the time of my dream. Upon awakening, I did a little research in Wikipedia, and something in that article completely dovetailed with my dream, so without any other research I knew that the Wikipedia article was correct--that Pius XI had been murdered because he was going to send out a papal bull condemning Fascism and anti-Semitism on 2/11/1939. Now, I am always aware of the biases and shortcomings of my sources of knowledge, and I know that with Wikipedia, the bias is hidden. So I take that into account. I also take into account my realpolitik view of the world, that accepts, "Yes, sometimes popes do get murdered." I honestly believe (even more so after my dream) that John Paul I was murdered. But even when I was a Catholic, Vatican intrigue and politics just did not interest me. I was, and am now, much more interested in the pursuit of holiness, and that cesspool of religious self-aggrandizing does and says practically nothing to speak to that. Political power, and the pursuit of that power is what I see at the Vatican.
But there are exceptions, and I have to say that Pius XI is certainly one of them (and to think, a few days ago, I knew nothing of the man). I linked to a Youtube video clip of him and my heart warmed immediately. He may have been a theological conservative, but he had a Christian pastor's heart and soul. He reminded me of good Pope John XXIII. I couldn't understand the untranslated Italian that he spoke, but I knew this gentle, loving, and humble man dressed in an untailored, old cassock was a true shepherd of souls. A papa like that (or John XXIII, or even, I think John Paul I) might have been able to talk me into the Church, but we wll see no more Popes like that, I am afraid.
So then, after the sick realization that this Holy Father was murdered, I moved on to the next question--to what extent was his successor implicated? You see, I will swallow the hook about Mussolini's mistress' doctor father being the agent of the poison, but I am certain that red hats cling to the line and sinker, weighing it down to the murky depths.
Before this week, I always gave Pius XII the benefit of the doubt. I regarded him, as I do Paul VI, as a benign, well-meaning but weak and conflicted Pope whose good intentions were sabotaged by an evil he could not fathom, nor effectively counter (and no, the evil in Paul VI's realm were not the liberals of Vatican II, but he got hooked by the smoke screen the truly evil threw up). I no longer can give Pius XII the benefit of the doubt, because the consequences of his vanity and stupidity are just too grave. There are six million dead Jews killed under the most inhumane and barbaric circumstances, and European Jewry, with all of their intellectual and cultural contribution now is nearly extinct, and the burden of that guilt cannot be placed on one man. Hitler was the spark, but the faggots were stacked by centuries of Christian harassing, hounding, opression and ghettoization. Since I am a self-professed Christian, who shares in the positive blessings of my Christian heritage, I have to admit to a share of that collective guilt, even though personally I don't have an anti-Semitic bone in my body. That is why I am so angry with Pius XII. In a way, Jews are more forgiving than Christians. They don't expect people to be saints; they just want them to be righteous. I was reading that Jagerstatter will be canonized soon, and I am glad and this is appropriate, because he did exercise heroic, saintly virtue by refusing to serve in Hitler's army. But how about simple virtue--that of doing the right thing which is reasonably possible under the circumstances. Yes, Pius XII saved a few thousand Jews, and for that he is to be commended, but really that is what I would expect of someone of Schindler's status, a middling-wealthy industrialist. Equally, I think it commendable that peasant women threw rotten potatoes to the starving concentration camp prisoners whenever the Nazi guards weren't looking. However, from the symbolic head and representative of the Catholic, and even Christian, faith, I expect something more--like a papal letter condemning anti-Semitism while it was still possible without becoming a clear mark of HEROIC virtue. If Pius XI had the moral courage to do it (and that was what my dream was about--it even had the explicit date right), then Pius XII should have followed through, which he obviously did not. But I think he was swayed by fear (Mussolini will annex the Vatican City) and vanity. I think he actually thought his diplomatic skills and background would allow him to positively influence Hitler and German policy. Obviously, he never read Mein Kampf, or he would have known what he was dealing with. I also suspect that he was a little bit of an anti-Semite and a lot of a Germanphile. I think he thought abrogating a few civil liberties for the Jews would be a fair trade-off to prevent a German flare of hostility (such as war). By the time he realized the truly horrific dimensions of his mistake, and that of evil that the Jews were suffering, I think he was in genuine agony, and that is when he started his efforts to assist the Jews to the best of his ability.
So, no, I do not think that he was in on the murder of Pius XI (just as I am certain that John Paul II would not have been in on any murder of John Paul I, but it is interesting that, according to his biographer, to note that he knew he was going to be next in line after JPI. That tells mea lot of people knew hewas next in line). A big reason is that the big trademark of evil is that it dupes, rather than explains and includes. It manipulates from behind the scenes, which is why power that remains secretive is so dangerous. Very rarely, is evil ever front and center. But in the end, I have to reserve judgment about Pius XII, because this serontonin in my brain is completely destroying my ability to pray, and so I cannot discern with any certainty of inner conviction. I can state that I think he was stupid to trust Hitler's Germany. Furthermore, I think that he lacked the moral courage to do what needed to be done, and could have been reasonably done, as pontiff, regarding the Jews, and finally, he was hopelessly vain (which is probably the means by which the evil one was able to dupe him). I have watched some clips of this guy, and he is a pure, pompous poseur. An acting background has become very useful to those who wish to exert charismatic authority in this media age, but Pius XII was hapless in acting. Nevertheless, he tried to act out what he thought a holy man would look like, and that is a total turn off to someone like me for whom holiness is all about authenticity, and "being real." The worst was when (according to the spoken commentary) he claimed to have a mystical experience while talking to the crowd. I know what a person in the throes of a mystical experience looks like, and all he was exhibiting was some truly awful acting. I think that is why his corpse smelled so badly when he died. He was "rotten" in life but hid it beneath his expensive, aristocratic robes and bearing. He was duped by the charlatan doctor who embalmed him, just like he was duped his entire life. And they are going to try to canonize this pope??!!
I suppose I could end by saying a few words about the current Pope, and believe me, I am tempted, but even though I have definite thoughts on the matter this is not the time or place. I would just caution Catholics to remember that prophecy is always a little bit off. (Even Jesus who seemingly prophesied that the destruction of the Temple was imminent, was off about 30-40 years). I know now that Catholics in positions of power are just as aware of, and concerned about St. Malachy's prophecy as I am (though they may not be anticipating it as a necessary and fruitful result for Christ's followers, as I am). Opus Dei knows too, and they are actively moving themselves into the position that the Pharisees took right before and after the destruction of the hierarchial priesthood of the Israelites--to become the new framework for spiritual leadership should the old framework disappear. I cannot say with enough emphasis how disastrous this would be for Christianity (Opus Dei is a disaster for Christians wherever they are). But my arguments against Opus Dei and their warped theology, will have to wait for another day...
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