Hoping I did not make a mistake

Hoping I did not make a mistake by writing a brief postcard to Dr. Huaman.  I thought that I had found a surefire way to bypass the censors, but my dreams tell me that once again, I underestimated the enemy.  They also tell me that currently they are stumped (since they believed their own denials and lies), but experience has taught me to be wary and on the alert. I wrote the postcard to reassure her.  I know what I am feeling, desiring and hoping.  I also know that I am not free to express those emotions, and while I am at peace with my decisions, I doubt that I will ever again write out my intimate  feelings regarding intimate decisions.  Someday, I will explain it to my significant other but for now, all I can do is reassure her of the truth of my feelings against the bank of lies, doubts, and denial that Opus Dei, the SLI, and their allies would have her (and everyone else) believe. "Divide and conquer"-- they used that power play tactic so effectively against Augusta and I, and all the while I was pouring out my heart, thinking that they actually would respect my feelings, or even that it mattered. 

 Who knows what will become of my current hope and desire, for I know that I cannot control the free will of another person.  I do know for certain, however, that I will never accept celibacy.  Sure, I am denied genital expression of my sexuality right now, but I have not, nor ever will accept celibacy in my mind, will, imagination, or self-identity. 

What I do spend my days doing is trying to escape the drugs that cause the physical weakness, lethargy, and insomnia.  I would really like to spend this time of unemployment improving my Spanish or playing music, but after a brief spell of concentration, the drugs make me nauseated, headachy, and downright sick.  So I mostly go to the bosque, but even there, I find myself unable to concentrate enough to read the intense books that I keep opening.  Ever resourceful, I checked out some sci-fi junk reading from the library, but I haven't even been able to get to them.  A really bad night that left me sleeping until 3 pm Sunday afternoon, has left me trying to detox myself.  Even though I have to, I hate to leave the house today, for I know that while I am gone, they will dope up the house again so bad that once again, I will get very sick.  I am so sick of being sick...