Another day lost

A severe migraine headache finally hit after I wrote that last entry.  None of my usual arsenal--Fiornal or Phenergan, seemed to have any power over it.  So I spent all day yesterday in bed sleeping and dreaming weird dreams.  I am awake today, but I still feel really wiped out.  I have practically no energy for anything.  I look in the mirror and see the marks of intense suffering on my face--especially in the mouth lines that turn downward rather than upward which was the usual position before the lithium poisoning  forever turned them downward.  Whenever I suffer intensely, the downward slant is amplified markedly.  That is what my persecutors just don't get, I think--how much pain, suffering, and even permanent damage they have caused me.  They believe that they are engaged in harmless ego-destroying, but soul uplifting misdemeanors.  I can still see the smirk on their individual faces as I have begged them to quit (Dave Denny of the SLI), or when, in desperation, I have presented myself for medical treatment, or tried to escape the effects of the drugs.  However, I know differently, as do the people who are my true friends and allies.  And it is the memory of my suffering that I will recall when they try to justify their actions to me.  I promise to remember.  In the meantime I plug along.  I am reminded of my college days when I would always spend the first few weeks of the summer unsuccessfully looking for a summer job.  I felt so bad because I thought that I was wasting my summer away.  But now I realize that those were times of much needed rest and contemplation for me.  That is what I am going through now.  I truly believe that there is not enough leisure or contemplation time built into the American lifestyle, so I need to take advantage of this while I can.  No agenda, no reading lists, no projects--just rest and listening to God's word.