End of a bad week.

I have a terrible headache, I could barely drive home I was so stoned on some kind of drugs, and now my right leg is starting to suffer from the severe nerve pain that my left leg does.  I can tell when I am poisoned by drugs instantaneously.  My leg pain immediately starts throbbing.  I don't need that signal any way.  I can spot a weak and hypocritical Christian whose idea of faith is nothing but co-dependency from a mile away.  It doesn't matter if they are in McDonald's, walking a dog with blue eyes, or are a married couple ambling around a park (you overdosed me, you stupid asses).  I guess they are getting desperate, as I affirm more and more who I am.  I've had some interesting dreams lately.  It started out with a snow storm which is a symbol for emotional repression.  What am I repressing, I wondered.  The next day I dreamed that Cynthia S needed to talk to me, and I really needed to talk to her.  She was flirting with me, and it felt good to flirt with an attractive woman whose body was hot.  To me, Cynthia just represents a really self assured and successful lesbian.  I had the hots for her for a while, even though she is a little too much of an L word lesbian to fit comfortably in with my world view (but I fantasized about a fling with her for a while).  But I still didn't "get" what I was supposed to be emotionally repressing.  So last night I dream that I am trial with that criminal jurist, Denise Shepherd presiding.  She asks me ( and the point of the whole trial--just as is the point of all my agony and suffering, incarceration and forced drugs, for the last two years), "homosexual or heterosexual?"  The question amused me in my sleep and makes me laugh now, even with the damned drugs in my system.  I have been telling anybody who would listen that the reason these religious zealots are power tripping and game playing with my life, is that quite frankly they won't accept my lesbianism.  Well, too bad--all the abuse you have heaped on me have just made me more proud and determined than ever to be queer--and an active queer at that.  I don't buy your lies and your sex hating ideology.  I AM QUEER.  I AM GAY.  I AM A LESBIAN.  I AM A DYKE.  AND I AM PROUD OF IT AND WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU OR ANYONE.  In my dream, Jessie was there to support me.  She knew what I was going to be asked, and how I would respond, and had some vodka and orange juice lined up for me.  She had three rows of three shots--one for me, one for her, and one for an unnamed guest  (hmmmm, the special lady I hope to have in my life???, or perhaps Jesus?).  We were celebrating in advance.  I told her that I would take two of the shots since two shots make me mellow and sociable, but three starts the brain fog, and I wanted to be clear.  It was a good moment to be lesbian and to affirm who I was. 

Right now I can only be gay in my mind and fantasies, but you know what, morons--when you dope me up so that I can't concentrate enough to even read, I just fantasize about sex for hours at a time.  That is the only way I can live my sex life now, while you deprive me of life, liberty, and happiness, but the liquor's already poured for the toasting.  I will be who I am, and who I am is a sexually active lesbian.  Get used to it.  Cheers!!!!