Massive headache

I have a massive headache as I write this.  I have  been unsuccessful in fighting off the drugs all day, and have suffered greatly.  I wrote this yesterday, when despite the heat, bugs, and autism, at least my head was clear enough to write.  

Sitting in the bosque rereading the agony that I went through while I was on lithium.  Every day was like that--straight from hell.  Now I'm on some kind of other weird drug.  This one, like lithium, makes me fat.  As with the lithium, every day, I watch with dismay while my belly spreads and spreads, no matter how little I eat or how much I work out.  I also am very passive and lethargic while on this drug--finding it difficult to physically move or mentally concentrate.  But I must.  My mother counsels me to treat this time as a vacation, and I'd love to.  But I can't read when I cannot concentrate.  I can't go to the gym to work out hard, when, due to wobbly knees and weak legs, I have to baby step down the single stair of my back door. 

I have my backpack out and would love to take a 3 or 4 day hike up into the wilderness.  But I am suffering from svere headaches and generalized weakness of body.  The other day when I went hiking in the mountains, I could barely make it to the trailhead.  Panting and leaning heavily on my stick, I felt as drained, exhausted, and headachy as if I had climbed over 11,000 feet.   With the very real cerebral edema I am suffering right now, I just don't think a solitary backpacking trip into the high country is a good idea.

So there you have it.  Everything that I like to do in my spare time--read, work out or backpack, is limited by the weakened condition these drugs put me in.  I can't even pray when I'm all doped up.  I am separated from my own spirit and center.  But I have resolved that I am going to "enjoy"  this vacation, (and no matter what, I gotta admit, trying to go to work everyday when I'm all doped up is much harder).  So I am very grateful for my unemployment.

So how and why am I going to enjoy this vacation?  Because I know I'm going to win this fight for control of my mind, psyche and soul.  I won't sell out to corrupt religion or evil government.  I resolved a long time ago not to have anything to do with these sick, warped people, but in their book, I'm just another thing to try to control.  They really think that they have the God given right to violate my body, my mind, liberty and self-esteem with ever power (and they are legion) at their disposal.  I don't know if or when the abuse will stop, but I will carry on every day, even though I am suffering, even though it hurts.  You don't own me you bastards, and you will never coerce my allegiance or respect ever again, and so no matter how doped up I am, I am more free than you because I see how rotten, evil and perverse you are, and I stand independent of you.  Thank you God for creating me a free being and giving me the strength to persevere another day.