Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fears that I will never know joy again

Fears that I will never know joy again--it has been so long since I have been allowed to experience joy and happiness, any emotion really. Everything is dulled and deadened by the drugs and implants that quite purposefully sever me from my soul and spirit (without which true joy and deep emotions cannot be experienced). What a sorry substitute power is! And yet so many have willingly sold their soul for it. Not me. Not now. Not ever. Yet I cannot help but wonder if the neurons and synapses and recepor sites of my brain are forever fried and deadened by the chemicals and unnatural emg induced brain waves. Very depressed to think about it, but I have been depressed for so long....
My head is "rushing" all the time. I dont know if it is the drugs or the excess csf. My head just feels like it is floating, and it is difficult to see, as the right eye keeps losing focus (the left eye is fine). My legs and hands are as deadened and dulled as my brain and emotions. I find it difficult to walk. My only satisfaction is my inner resolve to suffer unto death before selling out to the powers of evil, and I know who you are now. Unfortunately for me, you are the ones running things. I have to hang on. It is hard when the brain is not working rightr.

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