Saturday, December 20, 2008

Completely fucked up

Completely fucked up. After a few days on Mirapex when I actually felt like a human being again (at least mentally; physically I still suffered from parkinsonianism), the fuckers pulled my mirapex and left me hanging in the wind with the mania induced by the abrupt withdrawal. It's like when I was a vegetarian, and once or twice a year I would eat a steak and get a buzz--my body is extremely sensitive to even the most innocuous of chemical changes and yet these assholes yank me around from one extreme to another. Now they got me on something that has completely incapacitated me. I am pissed off. I have things to do. I have a trip to get ready for, a house to clean, yoga classes to go to, and I am so sick I cant even walk at all (I want to get down and crawl on all fours tho for right now I sit in my chair and let the caster wheels roll me). As usual with their psychotropic drugs my eyes dont want to open because the stimuli is overwhelming. I keep getting painful nerve spasms in my leg and because my legs are already dead, it just wants to knock me to the floor.I got a scik sick headache, and overall am too fucked up to get out of bed. I knew I was in trouble when I woke up about 4 this morning, and the first thing I wanted to do was self mutilate my arms from mty elbow to the wrist. I wanted to die, and right now I can honestly sayt I would rather be dead than inhabit this body tortured by these fucking pricks who have stolen years of my life from me. Take it fucking assholes, take it all and release me from my misery. I cant do snything anyway. How the fuck am i supposed to pack, walk thru an airport and relate to my famuilly like this? I am a human being, not a goddamned lab rat for you to experiment on. The only time I want to do that shit is when they got me on lithium, so that is my guess of what I am on. I thought I was going to have a seizure this morning--the body was violently vibrating but I begged the body please dont, I cant afford another health issue. Poor Brother Ass it tries to accomodate and assist me, and all it gets in return is the most horrific abuse.

Now the involuntary muscle spasms and jerks, even in sleep have started again. Now I have my torture cap back on as my congested, csf filled bowling ball of a head is killing me. I took one of my last few fironal to try to get enuf motivation to clean house for oncfe in my life i dont care if il leave a filthy house. im too sick to care. but i have to pack. so goddamned sick

No comments: