Saturday, December 27, 2008

Halfway mark over holiday hell

Halfway mark over holiday hell--I had such high hopes for this holiday. 10 days ago, I was so excited, so happy to feel so human again--my naturally joyful, enthusiastic, and grateful appreciation of life was nearly back to normal. I could look in the mirror and not turn away in disgust from the stranger with fake, implant-brightened eyes that have none of the loveliness of human or holy spirited eyes. The unnatural, alien-hennaed orbs were still there, but at least I could "see" myself. That is all gone, as I fight with lithium induced suicidal depression and the constant "dry migraine" (where my eyes can't bear to take in any stimuli--so that trees and roses and sunshine, and well, basically all of God's creation, are painful to look at), and life is an uphill struggle to endure, not a joyful gift to celebrate.
10 days ago I was so excited to see the ocean for the first time in years, but there's no way that will happen this year. I am too sick to drive there, and there would be no enjoyment whatsoever in the drug sickened state that I am in. I might as well look at a Britney Spears video as the ocean, for all the enjoyment or spiritual edification that I would derive from it. Then of course, there would be the dilemma of walking. I can barely goosestep, and I start dragging the bad hip after half a mile, as I try to deal with the pain and handicap of deadened leg, hip, and lower back muscles.

Big mistake coming here. But I am pretty sure this will be the last time. If I want to be miserable, drugged, and down with migraine headaches 24/7, I would rather do it in what seems the closest to home.

Cynthia told me that I don't know how to have fun. I think she picked up on the wrong vibe. I know how to have fun (or at least enjoy life). It is just that I am denied the ability to enjoy myself, and the biggest block of all is the chemical speed that is forced into my body, making my life hateful and odious. My mom wants me to go to some movie, but I have no enthusiasm for it, and I do not have the energy to create the positive vibe--just go and sit somewhere else, with my emotions dead, my mind numb, and my legs feeling like dead wood.

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