Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.  Sadistic display of suffering.  No words can describe the agony I have endured over the last 24 hours.  I dreamed that a bullet was fired into my head.  Well, according the my dream interpretation, that bullet stands for someone else's aggression against me.  I know very well whose aggression it is and why it is there--it is the aggression of Opus Dei operatives (in the employ of three letter security agencies) against me for being lesbian, and for ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY repudiating their sick, warped version of religion.

Well, this morning as I sit with eyes that cannot see straight, legs that cannot walk, and a severe headache and backache, I feel something deep within me has changed.  For the first time in my life, I feel powerfully committed to helping gays and lesbians,  I cannot regain the last 10 years of my life which has been stolen from me, I cannot erase the psychic rape and violation that has occurred at every level of my psychic and emotional being.  I may never be a free woman or a healthy woman, capable of even walking normally, again.  But I can do my little part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian ever goes through what I have gone through from these hateful, religious zealots. 

I know that the problems of the world, and this country are deep and many, and I know that everyone suffers from some kind of affliction or oppression, and since I always look to see the big picture, and I look always to forgive and to get along, I didn't want commit to gay and lesbian advocacy, but now I do!! 

I always used to say to myself, "Medeita, most people are not ready for gay marriages, so just look at the big picture and get along."  No more.  I don't want to get along with conservative Christians anymore.  I want to confront them.  Whether they recognize me and my orientation, and my declared lifestyle choices and goals is no longer something I dodge or equivocate about. 

Sure, I know how deep the evil runs in this country, and the dismal prospects for our future, but my life has been stolen from me, and I can never regain it.  All I can do is my part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian person goes through the hell that I have gone through at the hands of Christian fundamentalists.  That is my goal and priority in life right now.  Everything else is secondary and I leave to God.