I was wrong

I was wrong, not on lithium, i am on risperdol. my God, i cant believe these fuckers put me back on this shit when they know how bad it is for body. i cant read, cant make sense of words. i cant watch tv, the moving images are all weird and make me sick. all i can do, and i know because ive done this before is lay in bed and fantasize. risperdol actually makes it impossible for me to function in physical world, and just leaves me in imaginative one. worse of all, body is fucked up, cant stand, cant lift arms to brush teeth, everything is dead. totally disconnected from any body. i feel my stomach and it is ice cold while head is so hot and heavy i cant hold it up, but i cant do the gut exercises to heat up stomach. too sick to do anything with body. my poor right eye is in severe shape, going in and out of total blindness. supposed to go to dr tomorrow but theres no way i can drive and park in that place. i can take bus, but my legs are too dead to stand for more than a coupleo f minutes. i dont feel like going anywhere tomorrow. all that money i put into gym, wasted, ttoo sick to do any kind of physical activity at all. why, i think because of ratzinger, and goddamned catholics still thinking the stupid fools i am one of them. insofar as i identify with any christian institution it is the episcopal church. i am reading malachi martin, and i am amazed as i read it, that i spent as maNy years as id id trying to fit into a church where women are disregarded nothings, fuck all that shit. let me go, but of course ratzinger cant. i am his prize now99his claim and link to glory, martin got one thing right, there is a new spiritual institution on thsie rise, any institution that would treat a human being , wellk, techinically im not a human being by their standards, just a woman, but anyway, the roman catholic church is a dead institution, and i say burn baby burn, may no one ever suffer what i have suffered the last twelve years at the hands of these sick patriarchal torturers