Express yourself!

Well, according to an alternative healing book, a big part of thyroid health is expressing yourself.  No wonder my thyroid is so unwell.  I have quit expressing myself since I realized how heavily I would be punished for doing so.  Like the intellectuals of Communist Russia, I have been thrown in jail for daring to feel and believe what I feel and believe.  Of course the totaltarian thought and feeling police believe that they are doing what is in my best interest--"re-educating me" so that I conform to their model idea of who I am.  I know my reality is different, but my voice is stymied, out of fear of further abuse from SLI, DeBlassie& all their rich and powerful friends.  That these people are capable of abuse is undeniable--I just talked to Dave Denny yesterday under one of his false screen names he uses ti stalk me.  I recognized his controlling, fearful, and anima-alienated personality immediately.  But I have a choice.   I cannot stop these people from abusing me.  They have been doing it for years, and they have judges, police, doctors, and pharmacists as allies to administer the abuse.  I barely escaped jail this last time, and probably only did because of some intelligent people in the jail administration who know that I would be a marked woman if I went back.  They (and I) know why I would be a marked woman, and what that means.  That is something that my torturers have absolutely no conception of---what jail is all about.  They live in their little fantasy world where John of the Cross in the 16th century wrote poetry while incarcerated.  I will carry the abuse in my body and soul for the rest of my life, although if I am ever in a safe place---in the arms of someone who loves me--I might be able to cry it out.  I am not in a safe place.  My abusers and torturers spy and strip away even my most intimate thoughts and feelings, misinterpret them according to their model of who I should rather than the reality of who I choose to be, and then use them as a weapon against me.

Fact.  I am being abused.  Fact.  I am not able to stop it.   But I refuse any longer to be afraid of the abuse of power-tripping, abusive liars.  I cannot confront their lie and power directly, but I will strive to be as free as is possible in the oppressed state that I am in.  This is going to have to happen on a personal and political level.  On a personal level I am going to have to be as free and honest as I reasonably can (which is to say not completely).  I am in a totaltarian control trap that is as far from my God-given reality of freedom to be choose my own identity, as it could possibly be.  As in 1984, love is severely punished (unless of course, it meets with approval from the powers that be---i.e, is it open to procreation in every instance.  Bah!  What a crock of shit these religionists dish out to people in the name of Christ).  But I know I need love, and I know I need homosexual love.  I knew that last night when I saw Juanita with her girlfriend.  I was envious---they are allowed to love.  I am not.  But I have to make some kind of move, some kind of change, because that is what I know that my heart and soul needs to fully flourish.  There is also the political level.  I have to make some kind of stake and claim for homosexuality.  The damned Church, with their lies and legalism, is doing everything possible to destroy us.  They have already caused irreperable pain and suffering to me.  I have to do something to make sure that their power and resources do not continue to do this to my kind---those of us who sexually love our own gender.   I have to reclaim my voice somehow someway.  I will just have to keep at it.  I can't stop the abuse, but God willing, I will stop my own fear of their abuse from being another weapon they use to destroy me in the blasphemous name of God they invoke...

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