Very depressed

Very depressed as whatever psychotropic drug I am force fed now (and maybe it is just speed) steals my energy, my vigor, my self-identity, and indeed my very life.  I am so tired of forcing myself to try to keep going when it looks more and more like I will never be free of these pricks who have stolen my life from me and put me in a chemical and legal hell.  I have decided that I have to find something to live for, because right now, I have nothing. I am denied everything that gives my life meaning and joy--physical exercise, lesbian companionship and erotic love, purposeful work.  Instead I have a bunch of fucking stupid, heretic Christians feeding off of me, or more accurately put, their interpretation and vision of me, fed by nighttime mutterings they misinterpret.  I am not here for you or your warped understanding of religion and faith.  I despise you and everything you stand for.  I want to pursue my spiritual life free of you and your drugs, and your dogmas, and your lies and your needy, abusive dsyfunctions.  I want to pray to God as a free woman again, and I want to share my life and my spirit in a sexual, romantic relationship with another woman, a happy self-identified lesbian.  The thought of living out even one more year in this fundamentalist, chemical hell I am in, is just unbearable to me.  As it is, everytime I look in the mirror I see eyes staring back at me that don't belong to me, dead, and masked or refracted by whatever chemicals course my blood.  I see the marks of suffering and the downturned mouth lines, radically different from the face of the first 40 years of my life, when my visage was chararacterized by sunny optimism, a constant smile. and loving, joyful awareness of everything around me. 

I am totally alienated from emotions and feeling, and I think that makes my personality even more weird than what people expect or like in conformity of narrow norms.  Yesterday while I was talking to Dale, I realized I was talking about matters of which I truly cared deeply, but I was totally unable to convey any emotional feeling through the freighted words I was using.  That is what the goddamed opus dei types don't understand.  If there is no emotion, there is no deep prayer, and right now, as for the past two year I am unable to do any kind of serious or genuine prayer, just cling in faith to the hope that God takes my life soon.