Woke up crying

Woke up crying, severely depressed, hating this fucked up, mutilated body and self. Tell myself i am on drugs and i will fell better when i am off, but when the fuck do iget free of these goddamned drugs and these goddamned jesuit nazis? On top of all that my body is hurting a lotl. can barelywalk because muscles are so locked. worse of all is my back/spinal vertabreae. because the fucking pigs keep destroying my natural born body and mutilating tissue, muscle and bone, my back is completely jacked up. I am suffering from spinal pain i have never felt before and i suffer from numbness in both my arms and hands. i know this is because the motherfuckers, like the deranged sculptor ub "Raising Helena" keep chopping away at me so that I conform to their expectations. I dont know if i can ever feel at home in some semblance of a mutilated body again. right now, nothing i can do about it. i am not so sick that i am in agony, but still find it difficult to read concentrate or think--all the better to fit into the machine, except that at this point i will comiit suicide first.