Doped up again.

I have written in a long time--to be honest, I just don't have the energy.  I have to drag myself to work everyday and yoga three times a week, but life has gotten worse and even more difficult in the last two or three weeks.  I am certain now that I am being doped up on psychotropic drugs.  At first, I wasn't sure because I felt so yucky and out of it after a severe migraine around the middle of March, and then surgery on March 22nd.  But now I am sure.  It is not the unstoppable weight gain (after months of losing and holding steady), the constant nausea, or even the constant headaches which necessitate.  It is not even the fact that I have to drag myself to work, where I feel miserable and enslaved to a job, that a few weeks ago was enjoyable.  It is not my inability to drag myself from a persisent lethargy that doesn't want to do anything except watch TV.  It is what is going on with my brain.  I had to use the dictionary to spell "necessitate"-- a simple word.  Even after looking it up, it doesn't look right to me.  It looks like a nonsensical word.  That happens a lot.  I go to read, and words look like they came out of Jabberwocky.  I have no reading comprehension whatsoever.  I tried reading some poetry this morning--a volume that I have read many times.  It was Greek.  I couldn't even begin to read another book on theology that I picked out.  It makes me want to cry.  I was reading at a postgraduate level by the 8th grade, and now I cannot even read a simple paragraph or verse. My oral comprehension is even worse. I, who always hear and understand everything that is said to me, now have to ask people to repeat themselves two or three times.  People talk to me and my brain is so slow, I cannot properly answer them.  I remember Dr. Huaman asking me when I had seen another doctor, and my brain couldn't remember the date, or make a connection to the date, even though I knew it was the last day of the last month. I've become a retard. I hate myself.  I hate my brain. I hate my body that can barely even walk, and is just a receptacle for the poison that destroys my soul and spirit, and turns me into a barely functional TV potato (I guess my persecutors can rest happy now.  I am the typical soul-destroyed, stupid TV couch potato, full of self-destructive rage and self-loathing, which seems to be their ideal American).  Most scary of all, are the brain rushes I am suffering from constantly, and which are increasing in number(I just had one about 15 minutes ago).  It is like a drug rush that feels like I am going to pass out, and then it leaves me shaken, like I just short circuited from life and reality.  I am afraid I am building up to an epileptic seizure.  I have to say a large part of me just doesn't care anymore.  My body and brain are so wrecked from the NSA's poison that I will never recover my health and vitality.  Never. Never. Never. Never.  I am just a thing to them, so I might as well just be a thing to myself.  Nothing I say, do, suffer, or endure has any effect on them, so I may as well just wait for the worst.  Maybe I will get lucky and die.  I am so tired of living like this.  I don't even want to fight anymore.  I just want it over with.