Paul

Well, life has taken a personal detour. I spent the morning talking to the deformed teenage boy that is (in) my psyche. His name is Paul. I named him Paul from a dream I had as a young woman in which I asked a fortuneteller my destiny, and she told me, "You have the same destiny as the Apostle Paul. Your destiny is great, but your heritage is tough." I know now what the "tough heritage" refers to—that grand, old dying tradition of institutional Christianity—but reflections on that are for another time. I am at an impasse with Paul, because I don’t know how to proceed—should I attempt to bring him into manhood (is that even possible), or should I just acknowledge and respect him as an unmaturing deformity that will always be an intrinsic, essential part of me?

Yesterday, I witnessed again a prime example of immature, insecure masculinity. For some reason, immature men are especially threatened by strong women. It must be both intimidating to see a strong feminine, and infuriating to see an immature masculine all in the same person. The immature masculine obviously reminds them of what they fear and hates most in themselves but what is it that they are afraid of in a strong woman –the feminine or Mother? A couple of nights ago I dreamed that a mountain lion was hunting down a mountain ram (I was the ram). Dream interpretation says that a mountain lion represents strong, aggressive femininity while a ram is obviously masculine (also the truck I drive). Is it possible that my strong feminine side is intimidating Paul from full expression and maturation? I realize that I have to start learning more about masculine psychology. I have spent the last 25 years learning feminine psychology, but my life is never one sided or simple. For instance, what is it that I mean when I think about somebody, "he is a decent human being, but a pathetic man". I have had always had a strong aversion to using the word "man" as a philosophical or conceptual abstract. Rather, I believe it should be limited to referring to the half of the human race with masculine embodiment. But if I am to bring Paul to maturity, I have to figure out what I mean by man, because he only has psychic reality, no embodiment, except for the opposite sex. Sigh, just a lot more work.