Thursday, February 15, 2007

I am not alone

I had a rough "weekend", as I acquiesced to the recommendation for eye surgery. I am impotently furious, as I realize that the only reason I have to undergo anesthesia, body trauma (and on my delicate, beautiful, sensitive eye), the knife, and hospitalization, is because I am subjected to the involuntary doping. It is not enough that the speed causes muscular spasms, back pain and chronically painful nerve damage in my legs; no the intelligence community (IC), that is responsible for the administration of this dope also has to tamper with the Diamox that I needed to keep the excess cerebral spinal fluid in check. Even had I been able to take the Diamox, I think the drugs (speed and something else that makes me ill), are responsible for altering the metabolism of my body, making it impossible to lose weight, as well as the creation and/or retention of excessive CSF. I know that if I were left alone, in a natural state, that I could heal without surgery. It is the drugs that are responsible for the pain, suffering, trauma, and expense that I now must undergo, as has been the case for the last year and a half, while they continually wreck and age my body, brain, and health. My body and brain has been turned into a sewer of chemical sludge that destroys my natural vitality and bio-energy (which is more capable of healing powers than any marketed pharmaceutical drug), and there is nothing I can do about it, except feel like shit. It’s a lie and a bad joke (one that I saw through from the beginning), to suggest that the reason I was kept from being with Augusta, was to prevent bad health. For it is clear that the IC (and certainly not Opus Dei) don’t give two figs about the state of my health.

"Can I be used?" That is the question. I realize now that the drugs have a twofold purpose. As far as the SLI and Opus Dei is concerned, they still believe their tired, pathetic stratagem of making me think I am crazy is going to work, and I am going to have a grand conversion experience (only one problem with that—any conversion I have is going to lead me on a crusade against their rottenness, corruption, and lack of regard for human rights and dignity). IC (I refuse to ennoble them with the word "agency"—a fine philosophical word, or security—a fine psychological word), on the other hand, is looking to create a sense of isolation and helpless dependency as a prerequisite to brainwashing me in the hopes of creating a more amenable "company woman." But Ihave an asset that neither side understands or acknowledges—a spiritual identity formed and sustained in relationship and obedience to God (the Christians should know, but they sold out the primacy of their relationship to God for sonship in the Church). I am on the Cross, but I believe in the Resurrection that ultimately triumphs over the powers and principalities that hung Christ on the Cross—an evil empire (when, God did our once noble and liberal country become an evil empire which violates the rights of her own citizens), in conjunction with corrupt priests interested solely in power.

I had gone in to see Dr. Huaman with some trepidation, because the night before I had dreamed that the IC had burned down her house. She was a physicist, and they wanted her to do "dirty" research for them. That told me more than anything that she was being leaned on heavily and I expected the worst. It didn’t happen. I wouldn’t have held it against her if it did. I know when people are happily cooperating with TPTB, and when they are unhappy and even furious about it (for instance, Dr. Ferraro, who knew that I have a genuine hormonal problem that he could help me with, but who was forced to give me shit psychotropic drugs). However, it was clear that she WAS being leaned on, and that she was suffering both as a doctor who understood how powerless she was to stop the medically detrimental effects of the doping, and as a person who truly cares about me and the anguish I am enduring. I kept waiting for the lie, almost daring, and trying to pull it into the clear, but it never came. Ana Huaman must have an unusual degree of integrity and strength of character, when I gave her every invitation to lie to me, and she did not, even though coerced by others in a way I can truly imagine. So now I wonder if she would give up any possibility of being with me rather than to submit to the soulless machinations of the amoral powers that think they "own" me. If so, that is a tremendous loss for me, but I would only have the deepest respect and admiration for her. While I always know who are my "allies" (they let me know in subtle ways how outraged they are by what I suffer), it is a very long time since I have been "loved", and treated as a friend by someone, including my own mother. For to me, intellectual that I am, love is primarily truth, and it has been a long time since someone steadfastly related to me in truth, and not lies and deceptions. Even more remarkable, she didit despite, what must have been the most incredible pressure. Why? I don’t think she did it because of her feelings for me. Partly I think she did it, because she realizes the stupidity of the strategy. She just knows that it is not going to work. But I also think that she did it, because like me, her sense of moral righteousness demands that truth be honored and upheld on principle, while lies are shunned. This is why, even if she closes off to any possibility of relationship with me, I still will have been honored and happy to know her and feel loved by her. She is a kindred spirit, pure and simple. No matter what she chooses or what happens, she chose to suffer with me in solidarity against the forces of the lie, and I am grateful. It gives me hope that people like her exist. I may be crushed, but as long as one person stands in solidarity with me in my oppression, refuses to give in to the lie, despite the pressure (even to risk losing what you most hope for), then not only is Truth vindicated (so important in this era of media and political spin), but faith, hope, and charity are reaffirmed. Thank you, Dr. Huaman. It has been a long time. I wish I could be more forthright in expressing myself, but right now I can only communicate my deepest feelings in the conspiracy of intuition. Those who possess the faculty understand, and those who don’t will keep believing the lie that I will believe the lie.

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