Thursday, December 14, 2006

Intersexed Part IIA

Intersexed: Part II

I am writing this on November 30th, and have not been feeling well, and still don’t.  I have researched it on the Web and I think the 30 day shot of Haldol is responsible.  It is responsible for the constant headaches and lethargy, the chronic and painful rigidity of my upper back and neck which makes it hard to even sit at the computer, and even the resurgence of my asthma and allergies (I read that Haldol even causes bronchial spasms).  It has been years since I have needed a daily inhaler like I do now.  Today is the 30th day, so I am trying to force myself to write, despite the pain in my shoulders and neck.  Given my bodily oversensitivity to drugs, I expect to be impacted by the Haldol for yet another 30 days, if not more.

     When I was given Haldol in the emergency room it caused a severe case of akathisia.  It took everything I had not to run out, and I wasn’t fully oriented to reality by that time, so they had to give me an immediate benzodiazapene sedative (can’t remember which one, but the benzo family works really well with my system).   I can honestly say that I have never felt such terror in my life, and I have lived a high risk life, and worked with assaultive inmates in a maximum security prison (big badass dudes threatening to kill me inches from my face), and so what did the doctors do---give me a 30 day shot of the poison on my last day in the hospital.  More and more I am convinced that the majority of doctors don’t even realize the gravity of the complications they create when they prescribe medication, nor do I think a significant number of them care.  I know whoever was responsible for ordering that shot doesn’t.  What happened at the hospital should have been enough contraindication.  One of these days I am going to write of the veritable drug-induced hell that I went through at the psychiatric hospital, but the pain is still too raw.  I need to get some distance before I can write of that..  So I am going to write of another difficult topic—coming to terms with with my intersexuality or hermaphroditism.

     I think I have successfully come to terms with it.  I say that because now I can read a book on it, whereas before, I couldn’t even read about it.  The book is Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex.  It is a pretty clinical historical book, but even so the first time I picked it up, I found it too much to look at.  It didn’t help that the book is full of pictures that that I find distasteful, no matter how “objectively”presented.  But the pictures, and the book itself, reminds me really of how lucky I am.  For my genitalia is unambiguous and uncomplicated by striking deviance or deformity, unlike a lot of my intersexed brothers and sisters. 

     I didn’t feel lucky when my intuition first informed me the day after, in the twilight zone between sleeping and waking.  I was angry, and even moreso because I feel so isolated and alone when I deal with traumatic events, whereas most people are at least allowed a support network.  To this day, no doctor has even come forward with the truth, even though the revelation has been spread to the most casual of acquaintances, and yes, I pick it up immediately.  Nor didit help that I was catching really negative vibes from my neighbors, but I think now, that my neighbors were misinformed by someone,and that they thought that I was transgendered---a man who chose an operation to become a woman rather than a born hermaphrodite.  This negativity from others came on top of my own negative reaction, once the initial shock and disbelief had worn off.  I strongly identified myself as a woman and did not want to think of myself as a man who had been born in, and with a woman’s body.  But whatever my shortcomings, I am always ruthlessly honest with myself, and all the little lifelong clues started adding up.  So then I became angry because I didn’t know who or what I really was---there’s a word, “hermaphrodite”, but really there is very little substance to that term,  just a lot of shocking images that I don’t identify with at all.  While I don’t believe that my vocation is to define my unusual state,  I do have to come to terms with it.  This is hard when I can only speculate what my exact condition is.  I think it is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, but if so how did I get such a well-developed uterus and ovaries?  I wish I had a medical doctor to explain this to me.  The only other option is some kind of chimerical or mosaic condition—xxyy, where I am really the result of two fused zygotes.  I think though, that I am an AIS male, even if I do have a perfectly normal uterus and ovaries.  First of all, I have the body type---smooth-skinned, long limbed, rounded hips and breasts. I have very powerful musculature—more male than female.  I’ve always been more dismayed than bemused by how easily I “buff out” without even trying.  I am atypically short rather than tall, but that clearly is the result of genetics.  I think that whatever precipating developmental factor in the womb caused my autism also caused the AIS.

      Psychologically, I also seem to be more male than female.  My dreams especially are helpful in this regard because they are “objective” evidence of what is going on at the psychic level.  Last night I dreamed of Kim.  I learned a long time ago that Kim represents my feminine self—especially in regard to emotional expressiveness--which I strive to be and have, but which just doesn’t come naturally.  Poor Kim.  She had to carry all the femininity in the family, including her older “sister’s”.   In the dream I was under attack by a tiger but could barely escape it, even when I shot it, but while I ran inside and locked the door, Kim was out there with it, and the tiger did not bother her at all, which stunned me.  She ended up knocking on the door and I opened up to let her in.  I’m not sure which emotion I am trying hard to suppress.  My primary emotion right now is loneliness, and sadness at being alone and unemployed, and I admit it.  But I no longer am sad or distressed because of my intersexed condition. 

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