Autumn is here and I continue to suffer from being doped. It is not with Serotonin, but with something that gives me constant headaches and nerve pain in my leg (in the past, that has always been speed). I try to read a little bit, play some music, or clean house, but ultimately all I can do is watch TV or surf the web. I cannot concentrate at all. Still, I am not in the hellish sickness and pain that I was in with the Serotonin, so I sit here and try to suffer with it. I keep thinking of the hero of Siddhartha--"I can think, I can pray, and I can wait." I am not even able to think very much anymore unless I get out of the house for hours at a time, but I have got the waiting bit downpat. I am just tired of being sick all the time. I am tired of being out of control of my body (the progesterone I am being force fed is very demoralizing too), while it is being drugged up by morons who don't have any idea of what they are doing (and yeah, I am very aware that I have to do everything if I want to survive). Maybe I feel so bad tonight because I spent all day in the house--did not escape the doping for any length of time. I am by nature a homebody, and yet I feel like the poor little stray cat I keep trying to adopt (homeless and terrorized by big, bad bullies).
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