Trying to heal

Trying to heal, but this is difficult as I keep fighting headaches and the doping that is just draining all my energy and self-esteem.  The vultures are circling.  I keep getting hit up by low self-esteem men at the gym, as well as the Opus Dei operative who I know  is scandalized by my hermaphroditism, but who (no doubt following strict orders from his "superiors" and spiritual directors) keeps tailing me, inviting a personal response.  So let me give it to you--as clearly and gently as possible.  My energy and self-esteem may be in the toilet, (due to the constant drugging and headaches), but my pride and certainty in every aspect of my self-identity, including my queer sexual orientation, is quite unaffected and resolute. 

Yes, I was staring at a man in the gym yesterday, but do you know why?   Because, thanks to the lithium I was force fed, I couldn't remember his name, even though I worked with him for over a year.   I should have been able to remember his name.  Before the lithium I would have remembered his name, but thanks to the abuse, my mind no longer works in peak performance like it once did.  I feel it every day, when I reach for a word and the vocabulary option spread no longer presents itself in my mind like it once did.  Also frustrating is when I look at a face that I recognize but whose name I cannot recall.  That never happened to me before the lithium, and now it happens so frequently that I am ashamed to acknowledge it even to myself (the other day I found myself stymied, unable to remember even the name of my sister-in-law).  So yeah, I stared.  I stared while I tried desperately to remember his name, while I tried to compel the damaged neurons to reach out, grow back and heal, so that I can feel myself to be the undamaged, whole, healthy person I once was.  I failed, and that failure contributed to my low self-esteem mood for the day.  Sorry to ruin any hopes that you may have, Opus Dei, but I was never sexually interested in the guy..  As a matter of fact, I happen to know that he's a "brother," a "fellow traveller," a "bird of a feather," you know, a 'passing' (and at work, closeted), queer--just like me.

I also have to say that it really is stupid of you to try to make any kind of approach towards me at the gym.  I go to the gym to work out, and while I admit that I am very pleasantly distracted by all the fine, young women in short shorts and sports bras, I do not, and never have gone to a gym for social reasons, i.e., to "pick up a date."  I am not going to pass judgment on those who do--I think it's healthier than the bar scene, for sure, and in our co-dependent society, people cannot handle the loneliness of the single life, and are desperate to be coupled.  I want  to be coupled, I delight in being coupled, and know that I will not be living an abundantly full life until I am coupled, but I am not desperate.  I can live in my own skin alone, until I feel free and healthy enough to enter into relationship, and right now I feel neither free nor healthy.  But when I am released from this ridiculous abuse and web of lies, I already have a beautiful woman in mind, and there is no way that a gay male coworker, a low self-esteem man, or a needy, conservative Catholic who is locked away by ideology from inner psychic and spiritual wholeness, is going to distract me from my very optimistic hope of the future. 

If you really want to know though, what really appeals to me in a person, whether male or female, whether an intimate or a casual acquaintance, it is someone who has done their psychic and spiritual homework, and has moved towards adrogyny.  Women who are very comfortable with the inner masculine inside their heads and unconscious, and men who are very comfortable with their inner feminine in the same way are the ones whose maturity invite a deeper appreciation and response from me.  Patriarchal (aka "traditional") men and women do not meet the criteria, at all.  Androgyny entails a lot of personal work, and I don't expect younger people to be there, but as I am now middle-aged,  it is clearly self-evident who has engaged in a life of psychological and spiritual growth, and who lazily has allowed traditional roles and expectations to limit them.  This is not to say that patriarchal/traditional individuals cannot be good and moral people; it is just that I find their self-limitations irksome, and their projections infuriating.  I would rather be around good and moral androgynous individuals.  I would rather be around one person in particular, but I am waiting until I get the go-ahead from my inner voice, and I am petitioning that inner voice right now, but until then, I thank God for giving me the strength and resources to wait for who and what I really want. Amen.