Answer to the commentator

Answer to the commentator--I always appreciate a good book recommendation, and will put the name of Sara Miles on my "Read before I die" list.  However, I will not be doing any serious reading anytime soon, thanks to the psychotropic drugs and constant physical pain (from never ending muscle spasms) which makes mental concentration practically impossible.  I believe that the written word truly represents reality, but right now, I am not engaged in reality, and insofar as I am engaged in reality, the energy drain to stay focussed there is too great to allow for any deep dialogue with a worthy and inspiring writer/thinker.

Also, I have to say that there is no way that

I am not ready to contribute to institutional Christianity right now.  I am beginning to believe I made a mistake receiving the sacrament of reception when I am in such a bad spot.  I can't provide for my own needs.  I can't walk.  I'm a dangerous, nervous wreck when I drive.  Even in church, people talk to me, and I am like an autistic child again--mind totally blanked out, sensing that I am supposed to respond somehow, but utterly dumbfounded, not knowing how to respond back, so I just stare back, trying to fathom what it is I am supposed to say, and then get cursed, as I did today by some guy at the gym who was saying something to me, and wanted me to say something back, but I couldn't focus in reality enough to respond. If my mind is so blank, empty, null, and zeroed out on these psychotropic drugs so that I can't respond to a casual encounter with a stranger, how can I dialogue with the reality of the thought of a writer or thinker?

I really am beginning to wish that I had stuck with my original plan--which was to not become part of any church community again until I was settled down with a partner.  For my dreams are telling me that once again Christians are trying to force me into celibacy.   The powers that are enslaving my life have the coercive force to keep me celibate.  They have been doing it for years now, and I finally thought they were letting up, until I became involved with the Episcopal Church, and now, here it goes again, "St. Medeita blah, blah, blah."  For about 5 years I believed that crap and let the Roman Catholics control me, but the self-realization and abundant sense of life that accompanied falling in love with Augusta, and reminding me of how happy and blessed that I had been with Colleen, completely and forever revealed the lies about celibacy that I had been witnessing for years as I explored celibate communities.  One nice thing about aging is that you get to know yourself better, and so I have.  I now know that I will not accept or fit it into any vocation of any type or stripe until I have a partner to mirror me back to myself, to confide in, keep me from overreaching, dialogue with me, and yes, most importantly, just make me feel loved, even though I am so "different" from the overwhelming majority of humanity.  Did it ever occur to you psychiatric dumbasses that maybe I am "schizophrenic" in the same way that Tom Hanks was "schizophrenic" in "Castaway", when he painted a face on a soccer ball and created his imaginary companion, "Wilson"?  That I was so lonely and alienated from social reality and family as a child that I socialized myself (and kept myself from going truly insane) by accessing an imaginary world to mirror me back   And all that has been forced onto me in the last 10 years--the constant rejection and lies, job harassment, incarceration, denial of intimate relations--that has forced me back into my dysfunctional, imaginative world, that I had mostly overcome through intense psychological and spiritual work.  When I was with Colleen, I never, not once, had to daydream about social relations or our relationship.  As a matter of fact, she was so extroverted, and had so many friends coming over that the difficulty lay in me finding time to myself, and then realizing that Colleen was jealous of my relationship with God.  And I was wrong by not telling her from the beginning of how important God and a spiritual life was to me (to be honest, I lied to my own self about it too).  That is not a mistake I will repeat again, now that I am mature.  But the problem now is that I don't have any kind of a social or intimate life, and yet that is an undeniable need in myself that I cannot bypass or fill. 

So why do these people keep trying to force celibacy on me?  They listen in on me talking in my sleep (which in itself is an incredible violation), and they learn two things--one is that I have a spousal relationship with Jesus Christ, which I admit I do.  When I am able to really pray (which these days isn't often), I address Jesus as my husband and Lord.  Such a spousal relationship with Christ does not negate my ability or vocation to be a good partner and spouse to a human being, though sometimes I wonder if I would call Jesus "husband" if I were married to a man, and the answer is, "yes, I think I would."  In the ancient Hebrew world, women used to call their husbands, "Lord", at the same time they prayed to God as "Lord."  It is a little bit awkward, but there is a totally different quality in the relationship between human person and human person, and human person and divine Godhead, and I know it and respect it.  The challenging part would be finding a mate that will accept the fact that, first of all, I belong to God, and then to any committed partner.  In other words, my partner cannot be jealous of my relationship with Christ.  I do believe that as long as I am honest, that I will find such a person.  One last note--anything that comes from a dream (including talking in a sleep) can often be highly metaphorical and not indicative of reality in the physical space/time world at all.

The second reason I think celibacy keeps being pushed on me is that I think there is some information floating around that comes from outside the present timeline.  I would caution people to not take that kind of information literally.  First of all, time (or fate or destiny) is never fixed.  I am certain that God has infinite possibilities available no matter what any one person, including myself, chooses to do with their free will.  To deny someone (like me) their free will in order to bring about God's will, is heresy.  It is like the religious-political fundamentalists who would bring about a nuclear Armageddon in the hopes that divine intervention will save the planet (and I am sorry to say, but that is exactly what appears to be happening).  Even if I were to commit suicide tomorrow, God would still find a way to use my life (maybe from beyond the other side) to accomplish the purpose which I am called to fulfill in this lifetime.  So quit worrying about forcing me into a mold that fits your preconceptions of what my destiny is.  Let God and myself interact in natural reality, and trust that the will of the Great Creator and Savior will always come through.  I have prayed about this for years.  I do not feel called to celibacy, and could list a whole multitude of reasons.  Finally, a reminder from modern physics--"when you observe an object, it changes."  Maybe at some point, I was called to celibacy.  But after 10 years of being web cammed, rejected, objectified, manipulated, and tortured through drugs and coercion, I have changed.  I will NOT cooperate with people who deny me free will (including leaning on individuals who are courageous enough to desire intimacy with me).