Very sick, depressed and fighting mood swings

Very sick, depressed and fighting mood swings as I realize I am fighting both lithium and speed at the same time.  My weight is totally out of control and I am at 191 pounds, fatter and heavier than I have ever been in my life.  There is no point trying to work out.  I am too sick to work out, and I am so low energy that I eat to try to feel better.  I feel fluish all the time, and the only time I ever enjoy and crave sugar is when I have the flu or a bad cold or sinus infection.  I am so depressed that I despair.  But I am too busy trying to handle mood swings or the most physically nauseating, exhausted, and totally sick feelings to feel sorry for myself.  But I do.  Everytime I look in the mirror and see my bloated, pouchy, fluid filled face, and my dead eyes, I just long for death.  If I cannot feel like a human being, I don't want to live.  I would rather die.  I keep holding on to fantasies of freedom--especially sexual feelings.  When I am totally oppressed and imprisoned by these chemicals that completely shut down my energy and vitality (not to mention that I can't even walk), I just have the most explicit and detailed sex fantasies.  I know what I am waiting for--and one day when I have my humanity back from these hateful, abusive thieves, I will pursue it in the flesh, not just in my imagination.  In the meantime, thanks to the muse of my mind, who is the number one preserver of my sanity right now.