I had to take six tylenol last night in order to sleep

I had to take six tylenol last night in order to sleep--three Vicodins and three Tylenol PM's, and I actually felt pain where my liver is.  Of course, I worry about pain and damage to my liver, but I was out of my mind with pain from muscle spasms and nerve pain in my left leg from speed.  But it is not speed that is making my life a sheer hell--it is the Risperdal that I am being force fed.  I know it is Risperdal because they forced me to take it for a month last year, and it has the very same effects that it had on me a year ago--muscle pain and weakness to the point of debilitation, headaches, nausea, autistic separation and alienation from reality, suicidal depression and murderous rage (you try being forced into an autistic perception of reality and see what it does to you, you fucking assholes).  The most obvious handicap though (after all which one of my abusers care if I suffer, cry and scream in constant pain from the muscle spasms 24/7),  is that I cannot walk.  My legs are literally numb with no sensation in them at all, except for the tender to touch nerve pain of my left thigh, and even that I think would feel much worse if my legs were not totally numb.  Even now as I sit here at the computer, I can tell that my legs are completely numb.  I had difficulty walking last year when I was on this Risperdal, and I had to walk very slowly, so slowly that my aged, out of shape mother kept walking faster than I could keep up.  But this is worse--my legs are so numb that I twist and turn them as I step, since I cannot feel or have any control over the joints as they land.  It takes a monumental effort of will to lift and place each leg.  I am the kind of person who pushes and pushes and pushes, but even I realize that soon, I will be completely paralyzed.  Because it is not just the legs--it is the arms too--so weak and heavy that I can't lift a cup of coffee to my mouth or hold a shampoo bottle in my hands.  But the arms don't seem to be affected as quickly as the legs do.  Why is it worse now this year than last year?  Because the pricks took my self-knowledge of my own body and ailments (that I stupidly gave them) to address the calcium imbalance in my brain and now my brain is absorbing the Risperdal much more rapidly, and so the extrapyrimadal symptoms are much quicker to show themselves.  The worst thing about these symptoms  that I learned throughinternet research is that they are not temporary, but rather that they are caused by damage and destruction to the motor neurons.  This is why I no longer can do aerobic exercise. This is why I no longer have enough muscle flex to do a simple, single pushup.  My motor neurons have been destroyed by these MORONIC PIECE OF SHIT FUCKERS, and I will never be healthy and whole again, thanks to you assholes.  Now, you are doing even further damage--will you be happy when I am a total vegetable?  The most depressing thing in the world to me is to not be able to exercise, and now I cannot even walk. 

What are some other symptoms of this forced Risperdal in me?  Well, let me just concur with what some other people have experienced: risperdal: Side effects, ratings, and patient comments

"weight gain (10 % body weight in one month!), increased appetite, sore feet, muscular tiredness/weakness have discontinued due to weight gain  M  46 1 months  8/31/2007
 1 to janssen rep side effects are SUPPOSED to go away after taking a medication. I'm impotent, have no libido, can't feel any emotions, have no motivation, have no interest in life or doing things, etc. as an ONGOING, CHRONIC effect of taking your medication."

 

Yeah--no emotions that is a good way of describing the utterly desolate hell that I experience.  This is why I cannot pray or read poetry--because for me that involves emotions, desire, joy, meaning in life--all of which are zombied out by this drug.  Even contemplative prayer involves desire and yearning, and late at night it is my custom to reach into my spirit and reach out for God in contemplative prayer, and you fuckers have taken all that away from me.  You have denied me my spirit, my emotions, my libido, my joy in life, and I don't know if I ever will get it back.

 

How about this one?

"Cognitive impairment, substantial weight gain (puffed up like a balloon), zombie-like apathy"

I never will forget the stupid dumbass psych Dr.  Cameron Johnson asking me the day after he forced me his goddamned poison down my throat, "Now aren't the 'racing thoughts' starting to subside?" 

YOU STUPID GODDAMNED FUCKS--I don't have racing thoughts.  When I am healthy, what I have is an incredibly quick, intuitive mind that is capable of picking up multiple impressions and sensations, and analyzing and processing them rapidly so that I can respond optimally.  For me, as an autistic, this is absolutely imperative because I don't have the ability to  emotionally read people that 98% of the population has, so I have to do extra work.  I have to be alert for extra cues and process them so I can relate to people without offending them, a feat I had mastered and now have completely lost again.   Thank you you fucking assholes for making it even more difficult for me to relate to people than it already is.  Thank you for healing me of my ability to interact in, and master reality as an independent, successful, healthy person.

The "good doctor's" utterly stupid and presumptious comment reminded me(and it is the image that keeps floating over and over again into my mind) reminded me of a scene from Babylon 5.  A corporate CEO (and psychiatrist himself) wants to control the psychics (why?--because they have a power he cannot understand or control, and he has to control everything).  So he creates a fatal virus that will impact only telepaths, to which only he has the antidote for, but to prove the effectiveness of the antitdote he has to condemn to death numerous telepaths.  It is a horrible virus that causes intense suffering before death, and this "doctor" is making his rounds in the condemned ward, and the sick telepaths haven't a clue that their disease and suffering and death is caused by this man.  The doctor takes the hand of one dying telepath who tells him how bad he hurts and how he just wants it all over, and the sick, evil doctor pats his hand and says "don't worry, soon the pain will be all over."  I am that telepath, and the unnamed psych (though I think I did see him onceat ALLtel), is the evil doctor who has created my pain and suffering, and whose idea it "being all over" is the destruction of the essence of what makes me human, and enables me to function in society.  And why?  Because I have a giftedness they don't understand and they cannot control. 

 

How about some other testimontials to this cash cow for Jansen?

"Lack of intrest in life, no will to carry on living.Constant need to use go to the bathroom.Constant headache .living hell! "

"Horrific, turned into a suicidal zombie. Weight gain, constant suicidal thoughts, no motivation.Lost a court case as gave up fight. meant to be delusional about being raped. Sick Australian government. Now have vision problems with damage to retina.Brain scan showed diffuse damage"

"Extreme lethargy, confusion, forgetfulness, sleepiness, zombification."

"I've got pain all over my body. I feel weak and don't like to stand up, or stand up for several minutes. The most worrying pain is in my back and sometimes I need painkillers and cremes angainst it. At the beginning I had lots of sideffects that were mental and still have them a bit. I am more depressed and suffer more from anxiety and that scares me. Can anybody tell me if the pain will go away and the feeling of weakness?"

I could copy and paste dozens of the same testimony of the same horror, devastation and damage done by this drug.  But I just recommend you to the link.  Just one little side note that I find interesting--this damned drug even damages vocal cords through spasms--that is why my voice is changing. 

 

I am too sick to go on.  A plumber is coming to my house today, and it is a mess, and I am too sick to even clean house.  Tita Zombie signing off