Despair

Very clear that I am being doped again---with anti-depressants I think.  It is destroying my body.  I can hardly walk.  I fell in the bathtub on my hip, and I cannot walk up stairs without a handrail.  For that matter, I cannot get in my own truck without pulling myself into it with my arms.  My legs are totally dead, and my knees, calves and feet feel numb (my thighs have no sensation at all--I keep slapping them to make sure that they are really there).  I am walking like a 80 year old woman, and I know I am more autistic because I cannot stand the noise and tune out reality (and it takes too much effort to talk to people--I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep well and I just want to curl up at the bottom, rather than crawl up the long haul). I am suffering from ever more severe headaches, and I think the fluid in my brain is getting worse, because I feel the pressure behind my eyes and I just keep shutting my eyes to try to rest them.  I am so upset.  They tell me that soon I will go blind, yet they keep giving me this dope that my body will not process and which causes severe rigidity and pain in my entire body.  They tell me to lose weight, then make me so weak and sick that I can barely walk from the parking lot to my truck, and can't even climb steps.

 I watched a show last night about a 3 1/2 year old girl who was beaten by her step mother until she finally died of brain edema (all the bruises caused excess fluid in her brain)  I cried and cried because I identify with that little girl, and her total helplessness to articulate her suffering, defend herself or get justice.   Her body just couldnt take it anymore, and just quit on her, and that is what is happening to me.These asshole psychs are destroying my body.  I can tell my eyesight is much worse than it has been since I returned to work.  I can feel the pain and pressure behing my eyes, even though I am taking double dosages of the medication. 

I forced myself to work out yesterday, and I had to lift myself by my arms onto the Precor machine, and then try to work out.  I couldn't even work out hard enough to get a sweat.  The body is so dead and unresponsive, it just won't move.  That is how I fell in the shower.  My brain gave a command to turn, but my body just wouldn't move, so I toppled over, right onto my left hip.  I'm lucky I didn't break anything, but I'm very worried about my knees.  My right knee is severely swollen because it is tweaking out from all the goose-stepping, and locked rigidity.  It just can't lift and bend, so it tries to compensate, and I am afraid it is going to blow out, one of these times when it is trying to do something that the poison I am being forced-fed just won't allow it to do.   I can barely eat.  My mouth won't open.  I have to push the food against my face, then try to open my mouth and chew slowly, because my jaws are locked and will barely move.

These morons and sadists know that my brain doesn't work like their stupid ass models (what the fuck gives them the right to rape my brain anyway?  Don't you know what NO means? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO).  I dont't believe in the efficacy of pyschotropic drugs ever, but it is clear that this more than brain meddling.  They are creating tetany in my body.  Even at the point of greatest healing, I was nowhere near where I was in October.  My cervical spine has become an inflexible steel rod that creates a lot of muscular pain that I never had before, and try as I might, I could not loosen it up.  Now, of course, with my body so rigid, it is even tighter.  So now that my cervical spine has permanent pain and damage, they are going after my knees, which are already weak and arthritic.  Am I going to end up walking like a 80 year old woman for the rest of my life, unable to do even mild physical exercise, one of the few things in life that make me feel good.  The only thing that makes me feel good right now is getting drunk.  That is how it was when I was living with Joya.  Whatever damage their psychotropic drug does to me emotionally, getting drunk has some mitigating effect.   Somehow it makes me feel like a human being again, which the drugs take away.  I don't know Dawn Cooper.  I can see your little skeleton and my eyes shut to rest.  It's so hard to keep going.  I think that I was poisoned again today.  All my energy is gone.  I need to clean house, but all I want to do is lie in my bed.  It takes so much effort to move, and do even simple things (even turning my head to look out the window takes concentrated effort and willpower).  I'm so tired, God.  I desperately need to heal.  My body is not strong enough to deal with this.  I can't handle it.....