Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Sick as a dog again

Unable to return for ONE day back to work without serious poisoning.  I am home sick, so stiff and nauseated I can hardly move.  More than anything else, I want to heal, but I cannot heal with these bastards constantly putting in poison in my system.  I have tried to get the energy to investigate how hormones work in autistic people.  There is one word I keep running into that describes my body whenever I am poisoned with psychotropic drugs--tetany.  It just means that the body becomes stiff and rigid because of lack of cellular communication.  That is my body right now.  I can hardly walk.  I am shuffling like an old woman.  Last night I had to physically pull myself up the one step to my apartment with my arms because my knees refused to move.  Even now my knees feel like they are swollen and numb, and I have 50 pound weights attached to each leg.  I just want to cry.  I'm told to lose weight, and I can't walk from the freaking parking lot to my car.  I am in a lot of pain, because these idiots have caused long term stiffness and arthritis and inflammation to my entire body---especially my cervical spine.  I don't know if I am ever going to be able to get it to move again.  My body is so stiff this morning I can't even lift up my head.

I have to ask myself do not these stupid psychs for the govt and Opus Dei, not know that an autistic brain is different, and you can't go messing around there with chemicals.  I think they do know; I just don't they care.  I am a dumb animal to them.  I can't be of much use to the NSA for much longer.  I no longer dream, and when I do, it is not of the lucid clarity I normally experience, but garish, broken cartoonish kind of dreaming.  Of course SLI & Co won't be happy until I'm one of their brainwashed Opus Dei fold.  Typical Christians---like the evil woman in Misery, they want to physically destroy someone's body so they feel so warm and fuzzy nursing the victim back to health and controlling their creativity.  What a sick group of people!  But today it is me who is hurting.  I do not know how much longer I can continue this.  But it is not much longer.  The suicidal impulses came back last night, but I know its the goddamned drugs.  But at some point I have to move to protect my body.  It's just that my body is already so wrecked---constant headaches, overweight, too much fluid in the body, and a brain that no longer functions right.   And I am powerless to change it.  I am not even allowed to get my health back.  A black, depressing day--I hurt.  I am going back to bed

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