Dreams

I dreamed a couple of nights ago that I was insistent that others call me, and relate to me as "she."  I wasn't directly in the dream, but I knew the person that was in the dream was me.  Then somebody pulled a lifelike mask from the woman's head to reveal a badly deformed male (looked like the boy from the Health channel who has a terminal skin disorder, whose skin looks severely burned), and said, "See, "she" is really a he.  I felt bad for the man because I knew his deformity was so bad that he would never be able to function well in society.

Int:  There is a strong, if unconscious gender identity conflict going on inside of me.  It is inherent in my body/psyche constitution as a hermaphrodite.  As a young lesbian in the bars, I would look at the hard-core, stone butches and thank God that I didn't have any kind of serious gender identity issues.  My humbling comeuppance is what I get for praying that Pharaisacal prayer, "Thank God I'm not like that person." (Maybe that prayer always has an unconscious projection associated with it). 

My persona is feminine, but my deepest identity in my psyche is masculine--that is what this dream means.  But I would never be able to live out my deepest identity in society; my masculinity is too deformed for social acceptance.  So I have to move to some kind of resolution, some kind of bi-sexual integration that addresses and satisfies this conflict.  I have always prayed to God to make me more of a woman (I always knew that something fundamental was lacking), and being in a sexual relationship with another woman always makes me feel more feminine, but there has got to be something deeper that I can address.  Maybe I need to dialogue with the poor, deformed male in me who can never realize his identity in society.