I am feeling lonely this week following the holidays. I desperately long for a significant other and lover—not just for sex (though that is a big part of it), but also for intimacy and companionship. I know (and personal history and experience bears me out) that I am most fulfilled and motivated when I am in an intimate relationship. My relationship with Colleen had a lot of problems (and I was equally responsible), but those days I now regard as the halcyon years of my life
It is not as though I have spent my holiday week in depressed fantasy. True, my energy levels are very low for me and I need an inordinate amount of sleep most days—10, even 12 hours, as my poor, battered brain tries to recover from the horrific pharmaceutical trauma it endured back in October and November. Yet, my ability to concentrate has returned, and I have been reading some intense books quite profitably, that is, prayerfully. I haven’t been able to really pray for over a year, because I haven’t been able to center myself, as I have been fighting off one soul and mind destroying drug after another---anti-depressants, speed, lithium, depakote, and risperdol. When my spirit is so destructively ravaged by these chemicals (and they are legal!—does this give one an understanding of the abysmal spiritual, psychic, mental and emotional health of the citizens of this country?), all I can do is function at the level of an animal. Sleep. Eat. Do what I have to do to procure food—in my animal world, go to work. Even yoga, which is my number one spiritual discipline right now, had been reduced to an endurance stretching class, in which my limbs and muscles felt heavy and dead (they still do, though I am starting to reap spiritual benefit from my practice of yoga once again). There was no joy, no telos (relationship and prayer with God), no life of the spirit whatsoever. In short, TPTB had, through the castrating use of drugs, reduced me to the average, stereotypical American. For compassion’s sake, I suppose it’s helpful to know the sheer hell, the “lives of quiet desperation”, in which most Americans live, but I don’t want to live there.
I praise God that I am able to pray again, even if it is just at a rudimentary level, and as always prayer reveals to me, my own self. TPTB think that I don’t have a clue; as usual they manifest a complete ignorance of me and my mind. My reluctance to verbalize what I know is based on respect—respect for truths and revelations that are unsettling and reality shattering, not just for me personally, but for all humanity (it also is based on prudence, having learned the hard way that I can expect to be severely punished for my beliefs and feelings). Maybe, to be honest, I still am working on accepting the implications of such revelations myself, in which case getting my life of prayer back is essential. Maybe, too, the big obstacle is the evil spirit that inheres in me. I know that 2/3rds of the triad of TPTB do not believe in evil spirits. That is too bad, because while my assessment is based on highly subjective factors and criteria, I know that there is some degree of satanic influence over me—how much I cannot say, but I am aware of it and fight it and pray about it. But according to my prayer with God, the time is not ready for it to be removed. A big clue as to why this is, came about through reading Scott Peck’s book on his exorcisms—two case studies; one successful, one a disastrous failure. (Let me just say that I don’t think a traditional exorcism would be helpful for me. Both of these women were “possessed,” i.e. had lost a large portion of their free will and psychological and spiritual integrity to satanic control. I honestly don’t believe that I am that bad). Peck attributes the success of the one case to the fact that the woman had a loving spouse and family support. In the failed case, the woman subjected herself to the ministrations of the exorcist team with no family or spousal support whatsoever. Peck draws the conclusion that he would not again recommend an exorcism for someone unless they had the loving support of a family network. This conclusion confirms my own experience when I pray about removing the evil spirit (normally when I ask God to help me remember the satanic abuse I suffered as a child). God is always very firm (and with me in that prayer mode, God is usually indulgent), and refuses my request, telling me to wait until someone I love is there with me.
I don’t want to “use” somebody to help me probe the depths of my horrible, traumatic secret, but the truth is (and again I know this from experience), there is nothing as healing and empowering as love. Real and true love is an arduous realization, but I am ready and have been ready for some time to love. Now, it is a matter of waiting. I can pray all I want about the containment of the evil spirit. It’s definitive removal is still some years away, because even love doesn’t happen all at once. It grows slowly and takes a few years to really mature. One thing love is not, though—abuse, and after suffering abuse for the past 10 years at the hands of people who think they love me, I can guarantee that I will never hook up with an abusive person.
I think an intimate relationship is also necessary for healing because what the satanic cultic act did (I think; I can’t remember), was to steal my innocent sexuality and “sacrifice” it for their own pathological needs and purposes. This is why I got so hooked into a desire for a celibate vocation, even though I have no calling. I needed to relive that sacrifice of my sexuality and try to redeem it from the dark, satanic, psychological hold that those evil people put me in. Now, I realize though, that only a healthy and happy (and for me), homosexual interplay of my sexuality will redeem that stolen sexual innocence. In the meantime I wait…for a woman strong and brave enough to take me on….<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
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