horrible "weekend"

Aug 3, 06

I took a day off from work yesterday because it was a use it or lose it situation, and I realize that I may not be employed there long enough to use it.  But it has been a truly horrible past two days, as I have struggled with migraines, muscle spasms and just an enervating malaise caused by the dope they are spraying in my house (and yes I know who is the point man for the effort).  As I write, I have just awakened from a 2 hour sleep occasioned by severe nausea and headache (took another Fiornal---I am now taking those every day, and to be honest, I am fighting the need to take them more than once a day).  I can't live with this pain anymore.  I went to the knee doctor and he was full of shit.  I could't walk up a flight of stairs at the psych's office today ( I couln't have walked up four or five steps), and he tells me that my knees are fine.  I just had searing pain when I tried to get up and put pressure on my kneecaps--pain I have never felt before last year, and he tells me that my knees are fine.  Then I nearly fell flat on my face, because my knees stayed locked and rigid when I tried to walk, and my upper body moved and my lower body did not, and he tells me that my knees are fine.  Right now my legs and feet are completely numb from the drugs they are giving me. I realize now that these dumbasses think that that my leg pain and numbness is hysterica.  Bullshit.  The drugs they are giving me are physiologically messing up with my brain's ability to communicate with my body.  And they are causing permanment physical damage to my musculo-skeletal system.   So, once again, my experience is that I can count on the medical profession for absolutely nothing. 

Then I went to the psych today and that was a bust.  It is not a good sign that I was so sick with the drugs when I went to see her, nor was it a good sign that I was so sick when I got home.  These medical ding dongs do not realize that the best indication that something is good for you is when the body accepts it, and something is bad for you when the body rejects it, and the fact that I had such an allergic reaction during this visit means I really am reconsidering going back---I doubt that she has my best interests at heart.  Maybe she is just scoping me out for the dope.

The dope I am on (and I think it is psychotropic drugs, though it initially masqueradesas something more intensely intoxicting, and the intoxication does wear off), has me completely enervated.  I have desperately wanted to clean and organize my room for weeks now, but I am constantly fighting the side effects of the dope.  Yesterday was no exception.  It was so hard to fight the dope, and I was sick all morning, but I forced myself  to do it.  But there was no joy in doing it or accomplishing it.  There is no joy in me right now at all.  I am in survival mode, forcing myself to do the bare minimum and then trying to recover from the complete enervation and nausea caused by the nausea. I wanted to do so much today, but all iniative and creative energy are just deadened by the drugs.  I can't continue for this much longer.  I know that. The pain and nausea is getting to be too much.  I'm hoping to get through just one day of work tomorrow, and then I will have another two days off.  I desperately need my body to get back in shape.  Then next week will be the kicker.  I will have to work 3 10 hour days.  Chances are 50-50 that I will be fired next week.  I don't know how I am even going to get up tomorrow morning as bad as I feel.  I don't foresee getting up at 5 in the morning for three days straight.  Well, I can only take it one day at a time. I am sick of suffering....