Aug 6th, 2006
It is 2 pm and I haven't been able to get up and motivate myself to do anything. Of course, it doesn't help when you wake at 4:30 in the morning with a pounding migraine and nausea--7th day in a row, now, that I have suffered. I'm sick on the NSA's drugs. I still can't determine if its some kind of anti-depressant or just something to make me feel high and sick (so I will think I'm crazy or paranoid or whatever). In any case, the drugs definitely are undermining my ability to function. I can't take care of business--even routine things like sweeping the floor or grocery shopping. I just want to lie in bed and sleep or cry or fight the nausea.
I nearly got creamed by a car when I ran a red light earlier today. My mind wasn't even looking at the light. I was coccooned from reality, in my private, seratoniinzed Idaho. It was the second day in a row that I ran a red light. I ran one yesterday at Montgomery and San Mateo, which I know to be the most dangerous intersection in the city. But again, I was in a zombie state, and totally unaware that I was flagrantly running a red light until I saw opposing traffic coming my way (all of this happens in weird slow motion, and I seem totally disconnected from the reality of the situation). But today, I nearly got creamed, and that was a wakeup call. I don't want to be at fault in an accident that messes up someone's car and possibly their body for life. Even moreso, I don't want to be in this state I'm in any longer. I'm tired of feeling alienated from my own body and spirit, of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the image I see staring back at me. I have started to have fantasies of slashing myself again---I want so badly to escape this hateful feeling of alienation and soullessness. I recognize that this has been going on for a while. I haven't been able to pray since last Tuesday. At the end of yoga, I couldn't meditate. Instead, I nearly fell asleep (if indeed I didn't). Thursday I was too sick to go to yoga, but again on Saturday morning, I couldn't meditate. Instead I experienced that horrible, ersatz blackness of alienation that no doubt all the serotonin addicts mistake for contemplation. That is not contemplation. Contemplation involves the individual will and active spirit, and that is what chemicals deprive you of. There is no actively passive striving for the presence of God; there is just the presence of a black pit where there is no feeling, no spirit, and most certainly no divine presence. It's a variation of "religious experience"through substance intoxication (in this case, legalized chemicals)---phony and worthless, except to compare it with the real thing. I've had religious experience in my life that individual instances of ersatz prayer does not disturb me. But being alienated from reality through these same chemicals does disturb me. I remember how much I empathized with the homeless alcoholics when I was strung out on the psychtropic drugs before. That is because I was just like them--totally alienated from my own body and self by chemicals, just a zombie moving in reality, but not participating in it. It is truly scary to realize the power that governmental agencies now have to complete the most devastating of all torture--the rape of the mind. Well, as poor as my health is, I will take steps to save myself. Thanks to my torturers, my eyesight is ruined, my knees are enfeebled, and my body is stiff and dysfunctional, but I will take the steps necessary to preserve my spirit, to get back into a place where I can talk to God. I'm not feeling too good today, but I've got to keep moving, no matter how hard.
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