Happy Easter

Happy Easter.  If I have ever had a more miserable Easter I cannot remember.  Even if I don't celebrate Easter through worship, normally I wake up alive and in tune to the happy energy of the day.  But I am woke up this morning, forcing myself to get up, and willing myself to move.  I have no energy, no spirit available to me, even if the birds do chirp outside my front door.  My guts are all messed up, and even a colonic is not affecting the pain that I feel every time I eat.  The drugs are forcing my digestive system and colon to practically stop, and I am miserable.   I did manage to do an hour workout at the gym, and I struggled to complete it--no joy, no feeling of aliveness.  Now I am home, and I find myself in a dirty house that has to get some cleaning done before the work week starts because I feel just as bad during the work week, but have to come home and get some sleep.  So maybe one day I will know Easter again--right now, the people who are trying to control me, and force me to be their s/pawn have me firmly ensconsed in hell, and I can do nothing but pray for the day that I am free to be me, an alive and vital, fully sexual human being and child of God again.  It won't happen today.  But I have to force myself to try to clean up a lil bit.  It doesn't get any easier, Tita, it doesn't get any easier