pain

I have to write fast now---periods of lucidity are becoming briefer as the NSA continues to dope me up with psychotropic drugs.  I am thinking of going to Mom's, because I realize how desperate my situation has become.  Forget about my bills and my furniture, and just leave.  I am reminded of how Solzynhesin was upset over 100 lost pencils upon his arrest, not realizing the enormity of the violation and tragedy he would endure over the next 11 years.  It is the same with me--when one is undergoing torture as a political prisoner, forget about the details and worry about survival. 

I dreamed that I have Parkinson's disease.  There can be no doubt that I am suffering from Parkinsonian symptomolgy as my entire body grows numb and rigid and weak and unable to move, and it would be tempting to admit that is the extent of my problem.  But I remember how many times my inner voice told me, when I was a child, that  "the problem is that you are autistic", and I refused to listen, interpreting my inner voice to be saying to me in an an exaggerated Southern drawl that the source of my social and relational problems was that I was "artistic."  I know now that my inner voice will tell me the direct hard truth and not speak in symbols and allusions.  I also realize that the NSA's poison has resulted in extremely deleterious and permanent damage to my brain, and it would not suprise me a bit if they killed off the cells that result in Parkinson's.  As little as I know about the brain, something tells me that a big part of my problem lies in the dopamine levels of my brain---and how I successfully adjusted to autism is related to my hyperactivity and rapidly fluctuating energy (NOT mood!) levels, but these bastards are completely undermining my brain's natural and hard won ability to relate to reality"normally", leaving me autistic and withdrawn.  Yesterday, my body was so sensitive to feeling my own clothes on my skin that it was painful and felt like burning, and I wanted to tear them off but I was too weak in my arms to do anything about it, except sit there and withdraw into my own little world.

The other big problem are the painful muscle spasms that are racking my body (caused by the low dopamine, or by the psychotropic drugs?).  I am suffering from severe back and leg pain, and I now understand what is causing the leg cramping and nerve damage---it is the scoliosis of the spine that is directly related to the psychotropic drugs.  My spine arches away in an attempt to avoid the poison, and now my lower back is more curved that it has ever been, and it is pinching or pressuring the muscles in my thigh to spasm, and they do spasm, terribly painfully.  They are both simultaneously numb and so painful that I can't describe if it is more like fire or ice.  The only thing that helps is Vicodin.  I don't know if I will ever recover from that either.  I am not going to talk about my eyesight.  I am just going to wait for the doctor to tell me how much permanent damage has been done.  Another day of suffering awaits me, but I have my spirit now, assholes.  You have my body and you can torture it, but you will never have my spirit or my free will.  Fuck you and all your empty promises and lies.