reclamation

Yesterday, as I did yoga, I felt like a human being again for the first time in a long time, though I still was stiff, and unrecognizable to myself whenever I looked in the mirror.  But my sense of self and soul remains shaky, and I realize the complete devastation done to my personality by psychotropic drugs (no wonder they have become a preferred torture method by security interregotors all over the world--especially those who would deny the barbarity of torture itself.  But I have been tortured, and now I have to try to recover.  Whenever I am on drugs my sense of self, boundaries, and self esteem become severely compromised, and I am unable to withstand all the negativity, or even just the overwhelming chaos of other people's emotions that I sense from others in social situations around me.  When I am myself, I take the negativity and I can catch  it and just pull it out of me, oftentimes transforming it into something positive.  But when I am compromised by drugs, I just want to withdraw, because I am not strong enough to handle all the emotions I feel from other people.  That is where I am at today.  I wish I could just spend the day recharging and recuperating from the trauma of the last two weeks, but I can't.  I can see how my job is good for me, because it gives me an opportunity to experience social relations, but in a diluted sense---over the phone, so I am not so overwhelmed by sensual overload and psychic barrage of other people's emotions that right now I am not strong enough to take--to be honest, I never really recovered from  the first bout of drugs I went through.  I could tell whenever I was taking retention calls the difference between my first three months on the job, when dealing with other people's negativity was a breeze, and afterwards, when it became a dreaded struggle.  But I am not taking retention calls now.  I just got to go and plug in.  So I can handle it.  One last note--speaking of negativity, I got rid of dave denny from my buddy list this morning.  I recognized him before the virus crashed my computer.  Of course I know that I am monitored and even the format/reload can not erase the partition and spyware that these dumbasses have placed on my computer, but I won't have them anywhere that I can see them.  Poor pathetic bastard.  He still clings to some fantasy that I am going to have anything to do with him or his totaltarian, abusive, homophobic religion.  No way.  But that is for another day.  I have to get through this one first and it won't be easy....