post birthday musings

July 23, 2006

I guess my rejoicing over my "recovery" was premature, as I got whopped over the head with dope (speed, I think), Friday night, which left me physically limping, emotionally anxious and raging, fully, autistic once more. It’s easy for me to tell when I am autistic. I can tell by driving, when I am so freaked out with stimuli that I just go on autopilot and pray to God to get me home safely. I can tell when I can go to the store, and I start to get overwhelmed and come down with a migraine because I can’t stand all the individual cans and boxes and items just invading my consciousness, and taking up all my awareness space. I can tell when I go to the Post Office, and feel like I am stoned because I can see, and am mesmerized by each individual one of the thousands of mail boxes, and have to force myself to look for my number---and the numbers don’t look right, because my brain is on shutdown from stimuli overload. Then of course, there was the limping as my knees stiffened up in pain again, and my body was so sensitive that I felt that I was covered in carpet burn. What a setup for my birthday the next day! I spent the next day trying to recover and fill my prescription for the Diamox. I recovered somewhat, enough to work out for an hour today at the gym---for the first time in two weeks. I still am not healthy though. The workout took everything I had. I am nowhere near how I used to be---when a workout left me energized, refreshed, and mellow. Now I feel tired and overextended---and I didn’t even work out that hard. I wish I had some Diamox so I could gauge how much of my problem is caused by all this excess fluid I am carrying. I am suffering from eyestrain and headaches every day, and have both right now. As a matter of fact, it is time to take some medication….But I have to keep going. I only have a few hours until bedtime and then my workweek begins, and time for writing will be minimal. So I must try to keep my eyes open for 50 minutes and write as much as I can.

I know that it is the NSA that is providing the big stick and materiel for my suffering, but why—in the face of the damage and destruction they have clearly wrought? You can’t use somebody who is dead, and my being crippled is not optimal for their purposes either. So is it just ignorance? I remember seeing the psych (or maybe just a bureaucratic stand-in) at Alltel, and how upset I was at his lack of intelligence. I was thinking to myself "they have given this guy power to destroy me, and he is not even that smart." I suppose he had to have enough smarts to get through medical school or graduate school or whatever, but he clearly has suffered from the crippling of the intellect caused by the dominating power mentality. He is not accustomed to dealing with free people with whom he has to dialogue and creatively "woo" out of their neurosis or undesirable state. He thinks he can create change by force or coercion, and I suppose in most circumstances of his job, it works, so his ability to reason, to dialogue (and how can you understand the other person if you do not dialogue?), to creatively respond to and transform reality, has dulled. That is why he appears so stupid, just like the handsome, soulless agent who I first saw in Dr. Phillip’s office, then later on as a Rio Rancho "police officer." He could torture someone to death if ordered to do so, and he has absolutely no qualms about his leadership role in destroying me. Then there was the preppy, sold out black guy who lived on Ambrose Alday to help keep an eye on me. To his credit, he still had a soul, so that he at least, was suffering conflict over his role in my drugged torture, but my guess is, not for long, not if he is going to be a valuable member working for the NSA.

I read where a CIA contractual worker (IT specialist—free thinkers, the lot of them—thank God they exist somewhere in this post Reagan Bushworld) was fired because of her expression regarding waterboard torture—that it is wrong, and it is degrading to our American spirit and vocation to use it. She writes the majority of CIA employees are like her. Wow! I hope so, but that is hard to believe from my limited experience and perspective.

As I was reading Solzhenitsyn recount the torture that Soviet Russia inflicted upon their own citizens in the gulag, I was struck by how similar they are to what we are doing now at Abu Gharaib—the only thing that I don’t think we have done is crush a man’s testicles with a boot. It is not the work of a few bad apples; it is the result of the whole American shift to the dominating power mentality that thinks it can tranform and change through brute force, but instead, as will become ever more undeniable, all that we have done, is unleash a furious misery upon the world that will rebound back on us. Don’t those agency guys read the memoirs of people who survive torture, or are they too busy reading the technical and how-to manuals on the latest methods to degrade and destroy. Well, they will learn what people like Solzhenitsyn already know---that the people who break under torture are the "roodie-poos", the followers, the know-nothings. As for thee people who are the truly strong and dangerous and charismatic, they will either die in spirited defense, or survive to lead ever larger numbers, outraged at their suffering at the hands of immoral oppressors, to inflamed retaliatory violence.

There is another brute force factor in my life right now—the SLI. While it is the NSA that has the spyware on my computer, somehow, Dave Denny knows as soon as I long onto the network and he is still doing his number, stalking me online under various screennames—first Silentpalerider, and then Rambomodern1. It doesn’t matter what screen name he chooses—like the agents for the NSA, he is a man who has sold out his intelligence to the dominating power mentality, and his unrelenting arrogance and total inability to dialogue comes through within two minutes of chat. What did I ever see in that community? I shake my head in appalled amazement that I would have ever had anything to do with them (that soul searching is for another entry). The only reason that I bring it up is because Dave Denny and the SLI are the only ones "allowed" to chat with me online. As soon as I begin a chat with someone I really enjoy and appreciate, they "disappear." People can think I am paranoid, but I know that there is an Opus Dei/NSA connection (look at how Ratzinger wrote that letter to the bishops right before the election focussing on how to fight against any pro-choice candidates—this right after the boyking paid a visit to the Vatican seeking help for his re-election. Ratzinger is another study himself, but that is a whole other entry for which I will wait until the time is right). But it doesn’t matter if it is religious or political, the dominating power mentality has lost its respect for the human person, and thus any ability to creatively transform it. I don’t know how long I can keep fighting, but I am one of those who would rather die in spirited defense, and I know, because I already have come very close, that they are quite capable of killing me, through their utter stupidity and arrogance (they would never call their hatred of free choice of will, "malice.")

Well, on to more mundane things like doing my laundry. I need to try to do one more entry. I had a dream last night and know what I need to do (I just don’t know how soon I will get to it). God protect me from all the lifehaters out there—try to preserve my mind from the destruction of psychotropic drugs and heal my body from their ravages.