Getting sicker

11/6/06

Well, the best game of the season is on, along with my favorite commentator (John Madden), and I am too sick to even watch it.  I am suffering from the exact same symptoms that I suffered from when I was forcefed lithium.  I am suffering from that generalized weakness that I feel especially powerful in my joints, which totally stole my strength away last time.  I tried to go to the gym earlier today, and could only do 15 minutes on the treadmill, when I had to give up and go home.  I drove to Red Lobster for dinner, and my knees and legs were so weak that I put the transmission in park mode, while I waited for the light to change.  This morning while calling in to the unemployment line, my arms were so weak that it was a genuine hardship to hold the cellphone up to my ear. 

But right now, it is more than the physical symptoms which bother me--it is the mental and emotional ones.  That is why I cannot watch the game.  It is like I am in an alienated cocoon, and feel nothing--no joy, no excitement, no happiness.  The two top quarterbacks in football are dueling it out in a fast paced pointfest, and I may as well be watching golf.  When I feel this messed up on drugs my memory goes, and I cannot remember the word that I really want.

What I do know though, is that I am "penalized" for emotions (much the same way that I was when I was forced to take lithium).  If  I experience even a little bit of emotion, I feel a "rush" attack my brain, and the weakness assail my body.  This isn't normal and I know it.  I suspect my autism (or maybe something even more idiosyncratic), but I do know that my body will never adjust to these medications.  God help me in the next few weeks.  I hope I don't end up in the hospital.  Even the surgery Dr. H recommends for my eyes is only necessary because the psychotropic drugs are messing up my eyes.  time to lay down.  God help me