11/02/06
I still am being force-fed psychotropic drugs, with ever increasing sophistication. I have just been released from an enforced stay at a psychiatric hospital. Today is the first day in 3 or 4 weeks that I have felt "normal", healthy, and just really good about myself and my ability to function in the world. After weeks, and even months of being force-fed drugs, there is no doubt in my mind how terribly destructive they are to my physical, psychological, and emotional state of being. Even now, I feel so clear-minded, goal oriented, and energetic for the first time in a long time. I can actually "read" for the first time in weeks---both with appropriate physical focus and my nomally formidable mental concentratio.
All this being said, I am really sad that this brief respite is going to end very soon. As part of the agreement to release me from involuntary incarceration, I agreed to take a month of the drugs, and today I will start again. I am very afraid that they are going to land me back in the hospital with serious and possibly life threatening consequences from cerebral edema. Now that I have been two days off the drug, the buzz in my ears and the constant headache and malaise have significantly decreased. I know though, that as soon as I start taking the drug again, it is going to increase again dramatically. I can definitely (if subjectively), link the increase of csf pressure to taking Risperdol, not to mention all the other side effects---the malaise, the lethargy, the inability to focus, to concentrate, to even read, just an overall state of feeling awful---like I have the flu times three. But I cannot get anyone, not even Dr. Huaman (who has been monitoring my eyes for months now, and who should surely be able to see the differences in my eyes when psychotropic drugs are introduced into my system), to concur. So I am truly screwed. I could fight it viciously, but what is the point? First of all, I gave my mother my word, and I am a person who honors her word. Secondly, there is nothing I can do to prevent these people from doping me up without my consent. I am still in constant leg nerve pain from the surreptitious doses of speed that they give me. I don't think my leg will ever be normal again. So the lesson has been duly appropriated---forced drugs cause permanent body damage. I just fear that taking these psychotropic drugs are going to cause permanent damage in the month before I can honorably stop taking them. But I am tired of fighting---even for my own life and health. I just want this over with asap so I can ahead with my normally healthy and vigorous life. So it may be a while, before I write anything of substance.
Before I go, I guess I should talk about what is going on with my legal problems with Augusta filing a total bogus criminal complaint against me. I am very disappointed with the whole AOL scene. I am tired of making apologies for them. I just read Mary Cheney's (she is on their board) autobiography (in about 30 minutes---that is how much substance it had), and it is clear that they are only interested in the most superficial facets of leadership. Most specifically, they are looking for people who can act as power brokers with the political scene, rather than the mature character and vision of true leadership.
I know that the world is poised for cataclysmic changes that is going to change our perception of who and what we are, and most specifically our androcentric arrogance, and perception of reality. I have insight into the matter, but at this point, I am unwilling write it down. And given that the next month, I will be too sick to do much more than write down my symtomology (to preserve a record), it will have to wait for at least a month.
One last little note--I have started taking Relacore again. I found out that it has 4 mg of DHEA in each capsule which is a small dosage, but which has a huge impact on me. I still have peach fuzz on my face from the first time I took it. But the alternative is equally unappealing. My weight problem is intractable, and I can always get the hair removed surgically later. I'd rather have facial hair removed medically than eye surgery--optic nerve sheath fenestration. So I am going to give it my best shot, and see if I can avoid having eye surgery. My prospects are not good
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