11/9/06--Another day in bed, barely able to function, though I did make an attempt to talk to someone re: my 20,000 dollar hospital bill. That will have to wait for another day. I did finish reading some articles on autism in Scientific American. That is not my usual fare, but I was intrigued, because I recognized my own symptomology in their hypothesis. The basic hypothesis is that humans have a mirror neuron system that automatically, and intrinsically, "mimics" the physical actions of another human, especially when the imitator can perceive the intent. These mirror neurons are missing or dysfunctional in autistics. I immediately recognized my deficiency in this, because I learned a long time ago that I learn very poorly and laboriously when I attempt to imitate someone's action. The classic example for me (though most certainly not the only one), is following aerobic step activity which makes a lot of complicated moves. I don't follow an instructor's visual lead; I'm incapable of doing so. Instead, I follow their verbal lead. This can get a little bit complicated, because they can very involved in instructions very fast, and my only recourse is to think faster...which I do. I'm capable of giving myself instructions, "turn left, sashay right, make a V, grapevine left" with incredible speed. Maybe that is why my brain seems manic depressive to so many people---because I have learned to adapt my dysfunctional way of processing reality by just speeding up the brain, so I can get and give myself the extensive verbal commands I need to use instead of the more efficient neuronal mirroring. I can't mirror. I hate it when people try to teach me something by having me follow their lead, especially if they don't give me clear, detailed, step-by-step verbal instructions. I just zone out, and go back at a later time to try to teach myself.
Speaking of zoning out, that is clearly what is happening to me when I am on these drugs that I am being force fed. I watched a documentary on marijuana last night and as I watched it, I was amazed at how similar the pot experience is to this---the time distortion, the loss of all energy, and appetite drives. The only thing that is missing is the feeling of intoxication; instead there is a feeling of malaise. As I watched the documentary, I had to ask myself, "Why are so many people feeling the need to get high?" I think the answer is behind the same reason why so many people want to control me and my naturally high and exuberant spirits. We live in a society that distrusts the Dionysian, and overemphasizes the Apollonian. So our teenagers go out on their weekends and guzzle down fifths of booze. It is not my personal libido they fear; it is libido, or energy in general. Poor, pathetic sobs. Well they sure have done a really bad number on me. My energy is so low that I'm barely able to function. Insofar as I do, I find myself very autistic. Another interesting thought from the Sci. Am. article... One symptom that really has been puzzling me is the elevated heart rate. The doctors at LL talked about stress of being enclosed in an institution. Bullshit. I was in jail for six months and I never suffered such an elevated heart rate. I agree with the theory of Sci Am more. Autistics suffer from elevated stress because our brains process sensory information differently, especially visual and auditory stimuli, and so we are more easily overwhelmed by such information. I KNOW that these drugs make me more autistic. I can tell, and a big part of it is the visual stimuli that my brain is processing. So the ? I would ask my tormentors is why do you force feed me drugs that make me autistic so that I can "appear" more normal in other respects.
I don't like being autistic. It took me years to adapt myself otherwise. Why can't you just praise God that I am so high functioning, and just let me be.
I am sick of being me. I am sick of being autistic, intersexed, with health problems and everybody lying to me. I am sick of the religious zealots who dog my steps thinking that I am going to have anything to do with them. God I wish I were a normal person. But that is not who I am. I'm tired God. Please help me
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