Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Unable to concentrate

Unable to concentrate--I no longer know what these people are doing to me.  All I know is that I am not in reality--I am alienated and cocooned from it.  I went to a class today and was totally dismayed at my inability to concentrate on what the man was saying, and recap in my head the salient points.   I realized that I was not attentive to reality--normally I am so aware of so much going on around me, and now I have become a drug-addled, zoned-out, mediocre vegetable.  I noticed this morning that I was starting to develop the same cognitive deficiencies that I had when I was on psychotropic drugs before--just not being present to the data input from reality, and so not responding appropriately or optimally, and having great difficulty with word choice.  I tried really hard tonight to listen to what was said.  Normally, I can repeat back, in on-the-spot command, every single point and topic covered in a lecture.  It used to be just instinctive second nature, the result of a profound depth of attention and concentration.  Tonight,  I couldn't even follow the subject.  I remember once that  somebody asked me what a sermon was about, and I launched into a detailed and enthusiastic five minute recap, quoting sentences and sources.  Someone else came in, and was asked what the sermon was about, and she got a blank and painfully studious look on her face, and then said, "sin," and turned away.  I am now that blank person, who is just going through the blank motions of being present to reality.  The lecture tonight was about "stewardship."  I can no longer recall details or facts or numbers (and the old me would be able to recall the numbers precisely--though occasionally transposed).  His last name was Strase, but I cannot even remember his first name, and I only remember his last name, because I wondered as to the ethnic origin of the name.

I've known for some time that I have suffered permanent brain damage from my abusers, but my God, how much more can I take?  I went to the physical therapist today for the nerve damage done to my left leg but instead talked to her about the fact that I couldn't walk!  She tried to convince me that it was a pinched nerve but I know (and I know that she knows that it was the psychotropic drugs that I am being force fed).  And I thought things would get better.  After about five or six hours I started to be able to feel my legs again, and could actually bend my knee.  As I write this now, though, I feel my legs are going completely numb--just like before starting with the quads and then going to the feet.  This time, it took minutes, not overnight, to complete the numbness, so I know that they are at it again. 

More than anything else, I hate not doing physical exercise.  The funny thing is that I dreamed it before it began.  Friday night I dreamed of Teri, my yoga instructor, crying because she was upset.  I know that Teri is a strong ally, and I asked her what was wrong, and I saw another man whisper in her ear, and knew it to be, "No more yoga at the gym."  My God, for how long are they going to destroy my body and brain this time around?  And there is no succor or aid for me.  I can't do physical exercise.  I cannot concentrate enough to read anything substantial (so I waste hours on the sports pages).  I cannotplay music, due to the lack of concentration   I can't find employment because I cannot pass the reading or simple math tests.  All I can do is watch TV, and to be honest TV is a total bore in large doses.  God help me.

No comments: