Very depressed today

Very depressed today as I can hardly walk and now, even lifting my arms and holding my head has become difficult.  I still am being force fed psychotropic drugs, and I have no emotional feeling, no enthusiasm, no vitality at all.  I wanted to go to the gym to yoga today so I forced myself out of the house to the bosque, knowing that I had to escape my environment to get the drugs out of my system.  It took me over 20 minutes to walk 40 yards.  I cleared a little bit of dope out of my system so that at least I could walk, if stiffly and slowly.  At the gym, I weighed myself and found that I am 189 pounds!  I have gained 4 pounds in a week, thanks to the doping and the forced inactivity.  The highest I have ever weighed is 190 pounds and that was when I had a lot more muscle.  All I am gaining now is fat, and it is the truth--I have never been as fat as I am now.  This just totally crushes my spirit and I know that I can do nothing about it all.  I am being forced to be a fat, lifeless slug, and even if the doping stops, I know there will be permanent damage.  For one thing I am certain now, that I have Parkinson's disease, not Parkinsonianism symptomology brought on by the drugs.  These bastards are causing permanent memory loss and accelerated neuron death that will impact the quality of my life forever, especially as the Parkinson disease advances.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  No wonder why Teri cried in my dream last Friday night before this all began.  I thought it would be Teri subbing today, which was why I pushed myself to go to yoga.  She is a very restorative instructor who does a lot of floor work, but instead it was a different teacher who does a lot of physically demanding poses.   I couldn't even get into a down dog from all fours, so I knew there was no way I could take the class, even though I desperately long to be physical. My God, it has been over a week since I could exercise.  I had to wait for a while to exit, since the rain was pouring down in buckets, and I can hardly walk, much less run (it is usually exhilirating to me to run in the rain).  So I listened to the pumped up music and watched, all the happy, energetic people enter and exit, full of life and vitality, and just felt devastated knowing that I was not one of them.  Like before with the lithium, any emotional feeling increases the paralysis and numbness in my legs.  That is what happened last night as I was writing and experienced my own emotion.  Now it is best not to feel nothing, because my legs and arms just grow number and heavier.  That is not hard to do right now.  I am totally cocooned and alienated from reality.   I hate life.